Everyone’s gone through a bad breakup. Not everyone has gone through a crazy breakup, though. A bad breakup involves emotions and heartbreak. A crazy breakup involves a lot of looking up laws to see if you can call the police yet.
Years ago, I dated a girl for about two months. Very early on in the relationship, she started talking about how she couldn’t wait to get married and have kids. That’s fine, but I wanted the exact opposite of that. This is a legitimate reason to break up, especially early on in a relationship. Unfortunately, she didn’t agree with me. Another reason why I broke it off with her was because I was starting to get the sense she might be a little bit crazy. Turns out, she was a legit looney tune and I had to deal with the most drawn out, crazy breakup ever.
Here are the eight stages of splitting up with a total macadamia. Good luck and Godspeed, friend:
When I first broke up with her, she basically told me, “We shouldn’t break up, let’s not do this.” Then she acted like the decision had been made. She tried to just shrug off the breakup and keep moving, like I maybe I would forget that it happened.
As much as she wanted to not break up, I still considered the relationship over. I didn’t want to be mean, but I also didn’t want to lead this girl on. I wasn’t going to just keep going out with her and never be happy. Apparently, I was a jerk for not wanting to marry a girl I had only known for a few weeks. As a result, she started sending me several angry messages a day, which didn’t really help her “we should stay together argument.”
3. Angry penitence.
I got a lot of angry apologies. Obviously, that’s not an appropriate response. It’s also not a great way to get somebody to come back. I kept receiving messages from her, but they took a weird turn: She started apologizing for being angry but the apologies had an angry tone to them. It was like, “I’m sorry I got so mad, even if you deserve it.” Yeahhhhh, that doesn’t really sound like the most sincere apology.
4. Over-eagerness to remain “friends”.
The next thing that happened was that she informed me that we were going to stay friends. I don’t think that’s a good idea, especially immediately after a split. If you break up with someone, give each other some space — especially if one person still desperately wants to be with the other person. That seems like common sense. Also, you can’t really demand to be friends with someone. That’s not really how friendship works.
5. More anger.
Of course this was where everything was headed. The worst part about this was there was nothing I could do. If I answered her, then she would go right back to “we should hang out!” If I ignored her, she just got angrier. It’s like being on a roller coaster: once you start climbing up that first hill, you can’t stop it.
6. Passive-aggressive bitterness.
At one point, she tagged me in a photo on Facebook that I wasn’t present for. Just a photo of her with a few friends, and there was an empty section tagged as me. I’m not a ghost (though the Internet actually says that my pale skin and changing-color eyes may mean I’m a vampire). When I removed the tag, she sent me a message that said, “Sorry, I just wanted you to know I was out having fun without you.” That seems like a lie, because, well, if she was really having that much fun, I wouldn’t have been on her mind.
7. Aggressive-aggressive bitterness.
At the time of our breakup, I was just starting to perform standup comedy. I had recorded a few performances and put them on YouTube, and nobody watched them, because, well, obviously. I didn’t become an overnight YouTube celebrity (which was a huge mistake on YouTube’s part, seriously).
One day, I went to check the videos to see if the view count had gone from 14 to 15 and if I was famous yet and she had “thumbs-downed” every video and left negative comments on each one. The weirdest part was, she tried to act like it was just some random person who had come across the videos, but she did it from her account. I really hope the 14 other people had saw those videos weren’t fooled by her mean reviews of me.
8. They’ll break up with you.
Finally, she sent me message saying, “You know what? We are done. You’ve lost your chance to be with me!” Fine. Yes. Good. She sent me this message as if it would hurt my feelings, but guess what? Giving someone what they want is a pretty bad way of doing that, especially if you f*ck up your homophones in the process.
I don’t know if she was going for a reverse psychology approach but it was the last I heard of her. I haven’t heard from her since, so I assume she’s moved on. Either that or she’s just waiting in the shadows to kidnap me.