I’ve been there. I know what it it’s like to not want to leave your house to even go to the gas station because there are people there. Inevitably those people will judge you and make fun of you and call you names because people are evil and the world is evil and you wish, you just wish it would end.
You’ve thought about putting a gun to your head or swallowing a handful of pills because you know that afterwards you’d be able to be alone and just, maybe, think. At least you wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
Maybe you have a drug habit that you only started because you wanted to ease the pain just a bit, just a little bit and then you decided you liked feeling numb because when you’re away from the world nothing seems to matter. Maybe it’s gotten its hooks in you though, and you need it now. You need it just because you need it and for no other reason, but the ease you felt in those first experiences with your drug friend have left now and the numbness just feels depressing.
You’ve been on the side of things where you see people and you watch them interact with each other and it’s so effortless for them, so easy, and you wonder and you wish to God that you could do it like they do it without worrying about how your eye-contact or your body language or the inflections of your voice make them think you’re off.
You know you’re a defect. Everyone says you’re not and that you’re just having a hard time but you know they’re all getting tired of saying that and you know you’ve started to become a burden to them with those crying phone calls and that complaining about the way things are and you know if they could, they’d just tell you to shut up and deal with it.
But you can’t.
You have to know something though. You have to know that it’s ok to feel like shit. It’s ok to not fit in and it’s ok to be a defect.
You occupy a space in this world for a reason and I can’t tell you what that reason is but I can guarantee you that if you no longer occupied that space there’d be a gaping hole in the hearts and minds and lives of the people that surround you.
This would be a hole that they wouldn’t know how to fill.
Sure you feel like a star shaped peg trying to fit into a circle shaped hole but why are you trying to fit in there anyway? That’s not your hole, go find a star shaped hole and you’ll fit perfectly. It just takes some time and some work to find that star-shaped hole.
You shouldn’t try to fit in if you know you’re not going to.
Accepting that is the hardest part though. Accepting that you’re not the way you feel like you should be is one of the hardest things that you can possibly do, but you have to do it.
I’m not one to give advice but the moment I started telling myself, “I accept that I don’t fit in here,” or “I accept that people are saying things about me” I felt the weight I’d been carrying for years melt off in a series of deep deep breaths.
The key to feeling normal, the key to actually being a person is to know and accept that whatever is bothering you is a part of your life.
You are who you are and no problem big or small is going to change your identity.
You as a person has been growing for the last twenty-something years as a beautiful identity and no insecurity or little amount of uncertainty is going to change the vast wealth of experience and feeling that makes you you.
You are awesome now and you will be awesome after you accept your insecurities as part of you. You may even be more awesome seeing as how you’re more multifaceted than those vapid plastic girls or bro-y guys you see on the street that seem to have it so easy.
There’s no reason for you to worry so much, you don’t need to feel guilty for being you.