11 Signs She’s Definitely Not Into You

Hitch (Widescreen Edition)
Hitch (Widescreen Edition)

Fellas, quit wasting your energy and take the hint! There’s no sense putting time into developing a relationship that wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes she’s simply not into you. The flirting and playful gestures are both useless and foolish in such a situation. She don’t want no scrubs, and you’ll know damn well when she thinks you’re a scrub – thanks to me! I’m here to elaborate on the many signs that may indicate she wants nothing to do with you. Read them and weep buddy! If you’ve received or noticed any of these you should probably pack your bags and overdose in a drab motel room.

Signs she doesn’t want to pursue anything with you:

  1. You’re always the one calling or texting. If you have to initiate conversation constantly then she probably wants none of whatever it is you want. Stop bothering her, creep. Go call a sex hotline or post horned-up inquiries on the Whisper
  1. She says things like, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” or “I have life-threatening sexually transmitted diseases.” In reality, she probably is ready and (possibly) clean of bumps and sores. She just doesn’t want your johnson, but also doesn’t want to make you feel like a homely failure.
  1. She doesn’t hold eye contact with you. I can assure you she would be looking deeply into your eyes with an expression of passion if she were even considering the idea of sleeping with you. Haven’t received any prolonged eye-to-eye gazes? She doesn’t want it you ugly bastard.
  1. She talks about how attractive other guys are. Perhaps this sounds familiar: “Oh my freakin’ gosh, Travis is such a darn stud. Those abs, though. That defined chin and chiseled jawline, though. That bulging outline of hot man junk, though.” She wouldn’t talk about Travis’ sweet and supple ass in front of you if she felt you two could be an item. You look like a salamander in comparison to a God like Trav.
  1. She doesn’t laugh at your jokes. Remember that crack you made at Chili’s about how the taquitos were a one-way ticket to diarrhea town? The one she didn’t even smile at? She would have at least pretended to enjoy it, had she been remotely interested. Diarrhea jokes, dude? Are we in middle school? Grow up. No wonder she never called.
  1. She cancels plans constantly. “Can’t make it, I have an insufferable thigh rash.” “My grandpa is dying.” “My other grandpa is dying.” “I have several grandpas and they all seem to be dying.” How many times have I – I mean you heard those? Wake up.
  1. She has an unflattering nickname for you, such as “Lil’ Pork.” Things are going nowhere with this girl, Lil’ Pork. Get with the sad and secluded program.
  1. She laughs hysterically at the mere suggestion of intimacy. Huge red flag here. Soft kisses and some cocoa butter-lathering wasn’t even that funny. The snorting maniacal laugh was plain hurtful.
  1. She spits in your face and hisses at you. Women don’t do this to the ones they want to date. In retrospect, she probably didn’t know how to respectfully convey her lack of interest.
  1. She passes gas on your relatives’ graves. This is arguably the biggest sign, and pretty disrespectful in my opinion. I hate her with a fiery vigor. I understand not having mutual feelings but you don’t have to behave like a sick animal. Last time I spoke with the ghost of my late-uncle Charles he complained of a lingering turkey bacon scent.
  1. She mercilessly beats you with a sack of grapefruit, sets fire to your shed and hops on a train to Milwaukee. I get it, Charlene. You don’t wanna be my lover or get with my friends. I could have taken the brutal honesty. In fact I would have greatly preferred it. You’re an awful heathen and I hope you drown in a marsh. My motor scooter was in that shed, bitch. That puppy did like 15-22 mph. Now I have to cash in savings bonds just to get a new one, but nothing could replace it. The memories held in that shed also can’t be replaced. I saw my first boobs up in there. I cried after seeing my first boobs up in there, up in there. Y’all gonna make me lose my mind. Mail me my DMX albums from wherever the hell you are. I don’t want to see your messed up face. You’re a downright thief and a tease. If there is a God he’ll make certain your thigh rash worsens. I live in a motel now, and am permanently bruised from grapefruit-related injuries. Hope you’re happy. TC mark

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