Saved By The Bell offers delight for everyone. Whether you’re in high school or beyond, many of the show’s moments hit close to home. The sundry Bayside crew went through everything for our enjoyment, including the ringer. After all, poor decisions and consequential trauma are far too common in the teenage years.
The show still slightly speaks to teen audiences, although it’s quite dated. The Bayside gang’s experiences and conflicts seem very miniscule in comparison to the antics of teen characters nowadays. Either we’ve been getting more and more desensitized to filthy material at young ages, or teens really are just wilder today. I’ll go ahead and vote both.
Over the course of 4 years at Bayside High, the most controversial substance anyone got involved with was caffeine pills. Jessi was balancing final exam studies and being part of an up-and-coming female pop group. Her distress led her to think caffeine pill abuse might play to her advantage. Little did she know she was gonna dramatically pass out!
That was Saved By The Bell’s biggest shocker and tear-jerker in one. “Jessi you anxious, overachieving beauty, don’t do it! Caffeine pills are not very good, and taking several a day is probably bad for you!” She went HAM on them despite viewers’ cries. Then she got all worked up, sang “I’m So Excited” for Zack and passed out. Jess you wylin’!
In all fairness there were a few other drug-related episodes throughout the series. The two that immediately come to mind are the drunk driving and pot episodes. In both Zack gets a little too cool for his own good. Crashing Benzes and smoking dope with a rap star, as a real G should.
Aside from the aforementioned scenarios, the characters’ biggest worry was finding a date to the dance. Nobody was porkin’ or sharing needles. The bullying was playful and harmless. There were no weapons. Never was sex even mentioned. I’m not even sure the show’s characters were aware of genitals.
The program had sheer charm, and more than enough viewing value as it was. Regardless of how great it may have been, Saved By The Bell could never fly with today’s teen audience. It simply wouldn’t relate to their reality. The trials and tribulations of Bayside’s students would need to be a whole lot zestier. Luckily I’m here to spice things up for you, much like I do with my long list of Latina lovers.
What I’ve written below is a list of unfortunate character scenarios we might see if Saved By The Bell was rebooted today.
Zack would get at least 3 girls pregnant
I was ready to claim 6, but 3 actually seems probable. It was no secret every honey up in the Bay wanted Zack’s D(ick). In today’s world most guys in his position would be sexing until the itch grew unbearable.
Zack truly did date a slew of women, from paraplegics to biker chicks. He even had the audacity to mack on Slater’s little sister and Belding’s niece. Modern day Morris would have the ladies lining up for dick pics; begging for a ride on his wave (dick).
Jessie would be popping Adderall
What do today’s young adults do when they have a lot of work on their plate? They buy adderall from a shady individual and go to town. This would be right up Jessi’s alley. In all probability she’d develop an addiction, but at least she might manage to get into Stanford.
Screech would be super into porn
As you’re probably aware, Screech was incapable of pulling broads. They were understandably grossed out by him, leaving Screech a lonely man until Violet miraculously came along. In all that time Screech spent alone, dreaming of Lisa, he surely must have been whacking it. These days you can’t avoid online porn, and Screech may be the most likely candidate for freak porn addict. His robot, which once was his assistant, would now be his robotic pleasure device. One can only hope he would control these perverted tendencies and not expose himself to a school bus.
Belding would offer to smoke Zack up on some sour at least once
Principal Belding secretly loved Zack and badly wanted to be him. He let the kid get away with illegal activities on a regular basis for the sake of being cool, and having a hip reputation. Belding is forever trying to fit in with teens, and for that reason I’m certain he would be smoking pounds of dro in this day and age. Hell, he can get the finest herb at any dispensary. Chances are he’d call Zack into his office on occasion to light an L and discuss the increasing presence of trifling hoes.
Lisa would drive her dad broke from online shopping
Early in the series, the superficial and unlikable princess worked up a hefty bill on her rich dad’s credit card. Lisa’s materialistic ass clearly had an addiction. Imagine how hard she would ballout with every store in the world at her fingertips. “Dad shut up I’m coppin’ red-bottoms and Louis bags. Swerve.”
Slater would be an angrier alcoholic
Slater faced an unnerving amount of emotional trauma throughout his life. He was forced to move constantly due to his father’s position in the military. This caused him to have difficulty maintaining solid friendships and leading a normal young life.
Slater felt controlled by his overly stern father. His only escapes were women (their vaginas), wrestling and being way too jacked for high school.
Today a well-respected, tough jock like Slater would be drowning in booze and young thots with absent or abusive fathers. Alc and curvy women seem the only method of relieving his sorrows. Also he’s the star of literally every sports team so you know he’d be present at all bangers.
Kelly would be an Instagram celeb
There’s no denying Kelly was of the most unbelievably gorgeous television characters ever. I would have bleached my butt and wrestled a strong, 40-year old Russian man just for the opportunity to converse with her. The attention from Zack and Slater alone would not be enough reassurance for Kelly today, however. She’d be all over The Gram, snapping selfies and showing those booty cheeks. Creepy men from around the world would confess their love and obsession. Kelly wouldn’t be able to get enough of it. If things at home aren’t going well, her fans might even get the chance to view a naughty Ustream or two.