Let it be known from the jump: I am not a fan of Instagram. The Gram, as urban teens are calling it, doesn’t have much to offer me. I’m too self-deprecating to post numerous photos of myself. I get discouraged just looking in the mirror. The general public doesn’t need to be as grossed out by my appearance as I am.
I own many shoes but would never degrade myself and become “the shoe guy.” I’m no longer as materialistic as I used to be, and the idea of posting clothes and lavish items seems useless to me. Furthermore, I’m not an artist or photographer. If I’m not promoting work or my glutes I don’t see any reason to actively use the app.
I do have an Instagram account, though. I seldom use it. The prime time for me to open it up and check things out is around 2 am when my negative thoughts of fear and regret are running wild. Anything is better than laying, letting my own mind destroy me. Surprisingly I find great joy in browsing through people’s pages.
A hefty percentage of users fall under a certain category, or can be grouped as a type. Seeing these same stock characters and accounts is what makes Instagram worthwhile. Let me share with you my favorite user varieties.
The girl who’s getting half-nude and risque for absolutely no reason
She’s not a model or stripper. Hell, she’s not even a club promoter. Chances are she works at Dollar Tree. This is just your average, everyday “bad bitch.” By that I mean a sad human being who’s incredibly desperate for attention and gratification. Keep doing your thing and showing off that booty meat, though! You’re providing some solid whack material for the creepy unemployed men who follow you.
The guy selling weed and cough syrup
Do you think these fellas make a living off this? If you don’t know who I’m referring to, go to any rapper’s photos and read the comments. You’ll see hundreds of these guys plugging their marijuana and syrup. Some of them also dabble in fake designer belts. That’s social network hustling at its finest.
Imagine if your father was one of these gents. Career day comes along and he’s chosen to speak with the class. “Hey kids, I’m Derek’s dad. I sell dope and codeine on Instagram.”
The celebrity-worshipping, mindless child demon
These kids really terrify the life out of me. They generally address a celebrity as either their “king” or “queen.” Someone like Miley Cyrus will post a photo, and within seconds these misguided heathens flock to the comment section. I can’t think of anything sadder than a preteen creating an account solely to beg celebrities to follow them. Unfortunately I see a lot of it. One of these days a child is going to murder their whole family and make mannequins in the hope that Miley follows back.
The “Instagram celeb”
They’re not writers, actors, comedians, entertainers or anything requiring talent for that matter. The monsters I speak of have big followings on Instagram, and that defines who they are. It’s their selfie haven and the only realm where they might feel worth something.
Here’s an example of a caption from Gram Celebs: “Comment something nice on all my photos and I’ll follow you!” YES! Finally this God among men is giving back to the community with follow backs. The possibility of a guy with 47,000 Instagrams followers choosing to follow me is one less reason to stuff rocks in my sweatpants and jump in a lake.
The Blessed Fitness Lifestyle Proponent
I can somewhat understand flooding feeds with photos of your body in gym attire if you’re a personal trainer. You’re a bodybuilder, that’s what you do, and I get it. Everyone else, you’re likely in it for the ego-boost. Please continue telling us it’s “motivation,” if it makes you feel better. I’m sure you take 8 mirror pics of your bod a day simply because you aim to motivate others. The daily pics of your ass in yoga pants have inspired so many (dudes to play with themselves.)
The Collage Girl/Guy
This girl loved her stance and dress so much she had to multiply that shit. Check it out now – Three very similar photos in one. The third one is more for illustration of the backside, as you’ll notice a slight booty pop. It’s all very unnecessary and unsettling. The collage kids are frighteningly deep in love with themselves. Their lockers would be filled with posters of themselves if we lived in an 80s teen film. I can’t respect them, but I can certainly appreciate their unintentional hilarity.
The Flex Man
“Didn’t he already talk about bodybuilders?” Yes I did, white people. I’m referring to a different kind of flexing in this situation. In the hiphop world, “flexing” means showing off what you have. Whether that be money, jewelry, cars, shoes or drugs. All potential flexing scenarios sound foolish to me, but you’d be surprised how many people take to Instagram for this purpose only. Soulja Boy is the finest sample of the Instagram flex man. If you aren’t aware what gold chains and weed smoke look like, I highly suggest you make your way over to his profile.