Making conversation with ladies and “putting the moves on them” seems easiest in a club atmosphere. This is likely because clubs are often noted as the best environment for luring women into doing things to your weird, disheveled penis. Many men underestimate the true challenge of hitting things off in the club, however.
Let it be known we’re not talking ladies at the promenade shops here. We’re talking hoes in da club. Before labeling me a misogynist and tarring my thighs, please allow me to explain my use of the term “ho.” I’m in no way implying these ladies are street-walking, bargain-priced holes.
To put it simply: When a woman walks into a/da club, she must officially be referred to as “ho” by all of the men in attendance. You simply don’t “pick up girls” at the club. You GET HOES.
Now, getting hoes at the club is by no means a painless task. If all doesn’t go swimmingly from the jump you’re absolutely done for. The intro will make or break your success in whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish with your choice ho from the club. A strong intro is your key to triumph.
I’ve had my fair share of club hoes. In fact, I’ve had a particularly hefty share thanks to the excess weight carried by most of my lovers. Admittedly, I failed a lot in the beginning. But today? I’m a Godforsaken player. A full-throttle mac daddy if you will. I have 8 busty Latinas in my hot tub awaiting the moment I type my last sentence. In short, I’m the man you should be listening to on the subject.
Gentlemen, here are some sure-fire ways to get hoes at the club. Try out a few or all of them, but don’t blame me for unwanted pregnancy.
Wear Heelys and glide up to your dream lass
Remember when Heelys, also known as the shoes with wheels, were considered “gay” by all of the most popular kids? I sure don’t. They were never gay, therefore, always cool. I received word from the underground fashion scene that they’re going to be hotter than ever this fall. Boys, get ahead of the game and cop yourself a pair. No club ho can resist a man majestically rolling towards her. If she doesn’t have sex with you right there, she will later. Don’t even pretend to be shocked or unenthused when she forces you to wear the Heelys during intercourse.
Ask her if she plays tennis
Regardless of her answer just respond, “That’s great! I haven’t had sex since Labor Day of 2007.”
Wear a bowling shirt and bowling shoes
Women think bowlers are very sexy, as science has proven on multiple occasions through science. An interest in bowling illustrates to women that you bowl and might drink a lot. Most ladies will fall right into your arms. Don’t sweat if you get rejected because it’s actually the best part. You can then yell, “Ah, I hate when I STRIKE OUT!” People will be like, “That’s baseball but bowling does have a term called strike,” and you can all have a good laugh.
Tell her you’re a male escort
When she says “ew” or “no thank you,” you can be all, “JK this chiseled piece of man is free shawty.” Ladies love a good bargain.
Dry hump the floor to the beat of whatever’s playing
At first people will understandably find you a bit strange. After a bit, though, women get jealous. They’re thinking, “Why’s he thrusting his dick into the floor when I’m right here and I’m hot?” They’ll recognize your rhythm and inevitably desire to take the floor’s place.
Bring a ham
Goes without saying. I literally apply this piece of advice to every situation, and for good reason. Bitches love ham. As a matter of fact, all women love ham. “Mike, can we use sliced ham?” Shut up and exit the facility with that ludicrous inquiry. Absolutely not. Full-ham or no ham, as my great-uncle Larkins used to say. Start bringing a ham to all events or festivities. Watch great things ensue.
Wear swim goggles
Approach her and say, “These are my pussy-eating goggles.” Put your trust in me on this one. Its results have proven to be phenomenal. Laugh or call me vulgar all you want, but please check out my club ho game statistics first.
Lean Wit It Rock Wit It
First and foremost, you can do it to any song. More importantly, nobody is leaning with it nor rocking with it anymore. Pull it off and you’re executing a triple threat. You’re bringing back a classic, showing hoes you have moves and increasing average female libido.
Tell her you own a farm
I can almost guarantee she’ll respond, “Oh, you don’t look like a farmer.” That’s when you yell, “Shut up you racist!” Now she’s standing there, looking ignorant and feeling terrible. She almost has no choice but to have sex with you. Of course, she could just not have sex with you, but then she’d be a big fat racist.
Note: Even if she doesn’t refute you owning a farm it’s still important to call her a racist.
Smear peanut butter on your upper-lip to make it appear you have a mustache
Not only will you look like a freaking stud, you’ll also get a slew of questions from club hoes. Many will ask, “Is that peanut butter?” You must respond, “Why don’t you try it and find out my lusty amazon lady.” BOOM, you’re making out. She was trying some upper-lip PB and now you’re lip-locked in erotic rage.
Here’s the trick for this one: Liberally smear peanut butter on your chest before leaving for the club. While her taste of your stache is in progress you can reveal your luscious tuft of peanut butter chest hair. Will she devour it? HA. Does Michael Jordan have a successful line of shoes? The answer to both is yes.