You ever been in a social setting where you feel like an outcast weirdo who everybody’s secretly making fun of? That used to be me at all times, back before I became the life of the freakin’ party. Nowadays I go to any office party or Quinceanera and straight light that place up – making friends everywhere. Didn’t know that guy, and now all of a sudden we’re boys? That’s just how it happens when you emit humorous flavor and likeable aura.
Getting to this all-star status socialite period wasn’t a walk in the park with cake. It took many grueling experiences to shape me into the big shot player I am at festivities today. Nobody’s stopping you except yourself, or possibly your uncontrollably foul genital odor. You guys are lucky I have the time to offer some support with starting your bloom.
What you’re about to be blessed with is a slew of conversation starters and potential scenarios to make people love you. Try a few out and I bet, no, guarantee you’ll be the big boss daddy at any gathering.
1. Approach a person or group and ask, “How long john silver’s it been since you’ve eaten there?
Some folks will address the fact this came out of your mouth, and the rest will just answer the question. Regardless of response you’ll have asked the coolest question in the world, and all human beings can’t help but admit it.
2. Wear scuba flippers with a casual outfit.
Party-goers will undoubtedly be curious. Your explanation for wearing them is the most enjoyable part. Say you have an unsightly foot fungus or they’re your pussy eatin’ kicks.
3. Carry a rolling pin and threaten any prospective rough-housers.
Make evident you don’t tolerate horseplay and you’ll gain immense respect. Everyone befriends the no-nonsense guy who takes charge and beats wiseacres with a baking accessory.
4. Tell people you own a bald eagle.
Don’t pull out this doozy unless you’re ready join the elite class of social butterflies. It doesn’t necessarily have to be your opener but you’ll certainly want to slip it in early on. Be prepared for bombardment with nude, sexually-willing bodies.
5. Make clear you’re against murder and the erotic defilement of dead bodies.
The majority of people are skeptical around any stranger until they can be sure the person isn’t a murder or corpse porker. Put it out there right off the bat. Not being guilty of such acts is awesome, and being completely opposed to them is even cooler. Say hello to a new circle of best friends!
6. Put on those prank glasses with the googly eyes that spring out.
I can’t even hold myself together thinking about them! Lol I seriously just choked on the Codeine I was chugging. These specs are invariably a hysterical hit.
7. Rub lotion on your thighs.
This is my solution to nearly everything. It especially works like a charm in social situations. The type of lotion or body butter is of no importance. The overall key is to step your thigh moisture game up. There’s nothing more captivating than a moist, spankable thigh.
8. Bring a ham.
Are you by chance considering not bringing a ham? Might as well not bother showing up.
9. Walk in with a scarecrow and introduce him or her as your lover.
Confusion, curiosity and jealousy will flood the room. To really zest up the course of events, present it as your Latino or Latina lover. If things don’t go as planned at least you can head home to the love shack with your straw freak in the sheets.
10. Challenge the weaker-looking people to a potato sack race.
Assert your dominance and make clear you’re about competition and extreme sports. Watch feeble people cower in fear at the very idea of taking your strong ass on in an all-telling test of manhood. Most of the time hosts don’t have any potato sacks readily available so you won’t have to put your money where your mouth is, or your sack where your legs are.
I deeply hope you rookies learned a thing or two. Put down the no name brand ass Cheez-Its and mingle. Take these tips with you to the party and you’re sure to be drowning in popularity, as well as invites to future affairs and BBW sex gatherings.