Growing up I always idolized male teen characters from television and movies. These chosen fellas emulated what I wanted to be when I finally reached my high school years. They were popular with the ladies, class cut-ups and just plain cool. Unfortunately high school arrived and I ended up being me, a skinny weirdo who made YouTube videos.
In spite of harsh realities it’s still fun to look back and recall the guys I admired so greatly. Reminisce with me.
Zack Morris from “Saved by the Bell”
Is there anyone out there who didn’t think Zack was the man? He was the textbook “cool slacker.” He put in zero academic effort yet pretty much ran Bayside High School. Zack literally did whatever the hell he wanted, and Mr. Belding would just let him off the hook because he envied the shit out of him. Belding openly invited Zack to pipe down his niece for crying out loud! His clothes were too fly for words. Every girl in the local area wanted a piece of his bod and a hearty helping of his johnson. Last but not least his hair was the wave. Nowadays guys are bringing back that style and not giving a bit of credit to the man who pioneered it. If that enormous cellphone of his had picture messaging you can guarantee all the Bayside hunnies would have been lining up for dick pics.
Jake Ryan from “Sixteen Candles”
Most sane women would agree there was never a more desirable heartthrob. Jake could sweep any girl off her feet with nothing more than a whisper. He really did murmur when he spoke, but that’s all it took to moisten a gymnasium full of panties. Yes I DID just use the word “moist,” annoying girls who hate that term. Jake was rich, well-dressed and a true gentleman. He totally could have done the most unspeakable things to his blacked-out slutty girlfriend, but he didn’t because he was an honorable man! Any girl with a hint of sense would have given up dreams and gotten her tubes tied solely to ride with Jake in his dad’s whip with the top down.
Providing rationale for Ferris’ spot on my list of idols is unnecessary but I’ll proceed to do so. Much like Zack, Ferris did nothing to generate a bright future for himself. He was a true layabout though everyone loved him anyway. His girlfriend Sloane was a sound “11,” which is one above the standard ranking for the hottest woman. Ferris had everything going for him except any motivation for furthering his education.
Eric Matthews from “Boy Meets World” (Earlier Seasons)
In the early seasons of Boy Meets World Eric was the older brother every kid wanted. The young man unfailingly had life advice to offer. He was charmingly funny, well-liked and capable of swooning any girl imaginable. Without his guidance Cory probably would have been a hermit and chronic masturbator. Nonetheless, Eric gradually became a bum as seasons progressed. He went from an enviable young stud to a complete simpleton with little hope for anything. Did he get hit by a train or something? Older Eric with long hair was earnestly learning disabled. He couldn’t even get women anymore. The ladies who once wanted his babies were put off by his dimwit antics and dumbass persona. This just may be the largest implication of illicit drug use we’ve ever seen on kid’s television.
Marcus Henderson from “Smart Guy”
Child genius T.J. might have been the lead character but his brother Marcus was, for lack of better words, the shit. He was fresh, humorous, captain of the basketball team and a downright pimp. Marcus even spit some hot fire on the mic when the rap game needed him. He often felt overshadowed by his brother, but we all know T.J. wasn’t getting any puss. That was Marcus’ department. Mr. Henderson indulged in the fine ebony foxes quite a bit himself, though. Like father like son. Marcus was undoubtedly stunting like his daddy.
Gerald from “Hey Arnold”
Sure, he’s a cartoon character. It doesn’t change the fact Gerald was a boss and a player. His highest of high-top fades was arguably the trillest thing to bless television. I’ve never sincerely used the word “trill” before but there’s no other way to describe it. He could ball harder than Hotsauce on the And 1 Mixtape tour. Gerald embarrassed dudes on the court. Not to mention he absolutely killed the ending “Moonlight Bay” solo. Most importantly, he was a loyal friend to Arnold from day one.
Shawn Hunter from “Boy Meets World”
I didn’t typically approve products of single-parent trailer park homes. Shawn happened to be the first and only exception. He was dumber than topsoil but you couldn’t blame him. He made stupidity cool and managed to charm every girl in the class with it. Some badass shit always followed him, too. Remember when he blew up the post office box with fire crackers? It was then I knew Shawn was one real ass G. The kid ran away from home! You nancies always talked about doing it, but he nutted-up and really made it happen. How could young me not have venerated this way too sexually experienced, shadowy runaway?