Ruining great things is one of America’s favorite activities. There’s no better method of destruction than taking something many loved and remaking it into atrocious garbage. Let’s venture through some of the most offensive cases. The items listed below are a few of the finest exemplifications of things that simply should have been left alone.
1. The Twilight Zone
If you’re just now learning there was an 80s Twilight Zone reboot consider yourself lucky. Any couth human being absolutely loved The Twilight Zone. As a huge fan I made it a point to give the 80s reboot a chance. It felt as though my once intelligent and athletic son with loads of potential had become a drug dealer. That’s the only way I can describe the feelings I faced while watching several of the 80s TZ episodes. Even “Gramma,” the most talked about of the series, was silly and laughable. No new program will ever compare to Rod Sterling’s The Twilight Zone, let alone a half-ass reboot.
2. Every song on every KIDZ BOP album ever
“You know that popular song a ton of people like? Let’s have children sing it accompanied by a similar beat and market it to other children.” Solid logic. I don’t stay current with the KIDZ BOP scene so I can’t be positive whether or not it’s dead. If it isn’t I ask that you please let it die. Take it out back and shoot it like Old Yeller.
This list would be 30 items longer if I went through every heinous horror remake, so I had to pick the cream of the crap. 1976 Carrie remains one of the greatest horror films ever. Part of what made it so terrifying was Carrie herself. No offense Sissy Spacek, but you were hideously creepy in that film. Carrie was a horrifying 17-year old girl, and with one look you would gather that. Whoever played Carrie in the remake was a cute little girl who looked not a day over 13. I apologize to whoever directed this dumpster but she didn’t frighten anyone. The folks behind this cinematic vile did not put a single original thought into it. It’s almost a scene-for-scene remake with modern aspects and without the elements which made the original so eerie. “Lets add text messaging and make it not as good.” I imagine this was the pre-writing process in its entirety.
Nickelodeon’s “Doug” was cherished in the hearts of so many. Even if Doug didn’t fully relate to you it was always enjoyable watching his adolescent struggles and strangely colored peers. When Nick stopped airing it in ‘94, a new version titled “Disney’s Doug” began airing on ABC in ‘96. The outfits were different, the voices were new and it simply couldn’t match the original. On a bright note, the theme song was slightly cooler and Skeeter dressed considerably flyer. On a despairing note, Doug sounded more like a lesbian and Patty sounded very slutty. Roger Klotz decided to remove the sleeves of his leather jacket and actually style his hair. You can’t have an intimidating bully who looks like an edgy heartthrob! I’m sexually attracted a green cartoon character is what I’m trying to say.
5. The Wicker Man
Yes I did mention Carrie would be used to cover all horror remakes, but in my eyes this stands out as the worst film remake in general. The Nicholas Cage remake does not even qualify for the horror genre. As I watch horror films in theaters I’ll often find I’m the only one laughing. However, I was not alone when I saw The Wicker Man upon release in 2006. In fact, the entire theater was in hysterical tears. This was intended to be a scary movie, yet the 60 people throughout the theater couldn’t contain themselves as Cage punched out a fat lady and stole a small child’s bike. The last 20 minutes of the movie, which aimed to be the scariest, forced folks to the floor with laughter. It was the most abysmal nonsense excuse for a film but it managed to create my favorite movie theater experience of all time. Forget Psycho, THIS was the worst movie remake of all time.
6. “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
Who was responsible for destroying the iconic Nirvana song? None other than the twerking wild-tongue menace, Miley Cyrus. In the footsteps of Madonna’s “American Pie” and Avril Lavigne’s “Imagine,” Miley took it upon herself to defecate on a perfectly good song. Jessica Simpson, Madonna, Britney Spears and Avril are all culprits of demolishing renowned tracks, but Miley takes the vomit-covered cake for this abomination.
7. Charlie’s Angels
Although Doug and The Twilight Zone are closer to my heart, Charlie’s Angels (2011) stands as the worst television remake ever. The original aired for 5 seasons and was adored by a great number of fans. The reboot lasted 4 episodes before ABC cut it off; making it the fastest plug-pulling in history. That’s 15 years quicker than the pulling of the Terri Schiavo plug.
Let great television shows, movies and songs be. Get creative and create your own classic. As a horror geek nothing disheartens me more than redoing a horror masterpiece. Truthfully, it seems Hollywood is incapable of putting out anything that’s not a remake, sequel or Kevin Hart film. This just further proves society is unequivocally getting dumber. I pray great minds may bring back originality in American media.