Horror films generally provide viewers with an enjoyably terrifying experience. We all know and love the classics like The Shining, The Omen and Leprechaun in the Hood.
While many of these films provide an exciting plot throughout, a large majority of them wrap up with terrible endings. The primary example that comes to mind is “IT.” You watch these poor people get terrorized by their innermost fears for hours, only to find out the evil being who’s tormenting them is a fuckin’ spider?
It’s in all of our best interests to consider and imagine how great horror films of the past might affect us when they’re concluded differently- and far more geniusly.
The devil leaves Reagan’s body and enters Father Merrin. As the possession takes over, Father Merrin gets incredibly horned up. He completely ignores the fact that Reagan’s like 13 years old and makes sweet love to that child. The love action is passionate, yet still hardcore enough to make creepy dudes audibly say, “OH YEAH BETSY.”
When the possessed priest is done slamming underage Reagan like a ball into a Fisher Price hoop, she’s all, “You’re the best I ever had boo. Wife me. Oh and the whole you being possessed by Satan thing is totally cool.” The two elope and make some hideous kids in a trailer somewhere.
Rosemary gives birth, however, instead of coming out as the devil it’s just mixed-race. The exclusively white friends and family come to a consensus about the child’s raising with a unanimous, “You ain’t raisin’ no colored kid.” Rosemary’s husband leaves her after finding out she sexed up their milkman Dwayne.
Louis chooses not to bury his wife in the “Pet Sematary,” which originally caused her to come back and murder him. Instead the newly single stud just buys some super low-rate prostitutes and a bunch of blow. The following day, surveillance footage from PetCo shows a naked Louis blowing his brains out after giving all the caged cats the finger and spitting at them.
Jack wanders the house, wielding his axe on his terrifying rampage. As he limps by the pantry he notices a bag of chips on one of the shelves. “Fuckin’ kettle-cooked!” He joyously exclaims. “Only kind I eat,” he remarks to himself in confidence.
After finishing the delicious bag of kettle-cooked chips, Jack finds and apologizes to his very unattractive wife and son. “I was out of line,” he sincerely claims. “But that good-ass bag of kettle-cooked chips reminded me why I’m here today. I’m here to eat chips. You and that weirdo son of yours are solely here to keep me company. I grant you both the right to live, but you must supply me chips everyday.”
The family continue their lives happily as a chip obsessed slave master and his servants.
Carrie arrives at the prom as expected. However, things go unusually. There’s no hazing or pig’s blood being poured on her. Instead she is treated as if she’s a celebrity. Men augle her, while girls recognize and praise her beauty.
“Nice rack Carrie,” greets Mike Wood, captain of the track team.
Class president Eddie chimes in with a complimentary “Girl I didn’t know you had all THAT!” As he grabs Carrie’s surprisingly thick booty.
“What’s that snatch lookin’ like tonight, Care?” Inquires Tom Wapner, president of the school board.
Carrie is elated by all of the star treatment she’s receiving. In fact, she’s so ecstatic she lets the entire wrestling team run a train on her behind the gym. Although this puts her in a negative light and earns her the label “Chlamydia Carrie,” it also makes her quite the hot commodity. Also she kills her mom with moose antlers.
Children of the Corn
Isaac and Malakai, the two young leaders of the murderous cult, decide they’re really just leading all of this nonsense because of their suppressed feelings. They can no longer hide it: These dudes have the hots for each other! Their passions inspire action. A midwestern, hick town run by homicidal children now in the midst of a homosexual love scandal between the two leaders? I smell a dramatic miniseries!
That’s precisely what ensues. The remaining children of the town plan a wedding and erotic getaway for the two (not spoiling anything but stalks of corn are involved lol.) The boys’ relationship is hot and cold, as is any, but their romantic chemistry is admired by all of the town’s kids. It opens them up to new views and interests, namely bisexuality. Their curiosity goes from experimentation to constant orgies. The dramatic miniseries becomes pretty much low-budget child porn. You should feel sick simply for reading this, pervert.
While in a home on his pointless murder spree, Michael Myers opens a door which leads him into a rap studio. The gentleman in the studio, currently playing one of his self-produced beats, turns around and looks at Mike.
“Ayye this beat is flames son!” Mike states enthusiastically.
“Let’s hear you spit somethin’,” the unnamed producer persuades.
Michael “Hot Bars” Myers lights up a fat L of kush and raps: “My name Mike and your girl look like a dyke/type of bitch I won’t wife and only pipe for one night!”
The producer recognizes true talent when he hears it. Mike is signed to a 6-year, 4 million dollar deal with We Don’t Play Wit These Hoes Records.
I’m willing to bet the horror industry would be looked at as more creative and ingenious if directors let me write some endings.