We’ll all experience the hard times of living with a crazy roommate at some point in our lives. Maybe it’s somebody who gets on your nerves or has ridiculous habits. It might even be somebody boisterous, who incessantly speaks in a Mickey Mouse voice and screams at every televised game, no matter the sport. That’s precisely who I used to live with. It’s quite an experience, you know, waking up everyday, peering over at the same psychotic person sleeping in nothing but a leopard-print thong and rainboots.
While that may seem like an extreme example of an insane roommate, there’s a high likelihood you’ve lived with or will someday live with a nutcase. I use the term “nutcase” loosely because I’m in no way implying you’ll actually get stuck with a person who smears feces on the walls and talks to spirits. Someone has to clean up the shit wall and put an end to the Ouija party, though.
Regardless of the craziness level, you will have to be prepared to live and put up with this bedlamite. Every little thing about them is going to irritate you to the fullest extent. The mere sight of them will put you in the mood for a murderous rampage. You’re going to need some elite training tips in order to survive this living experience…and you’re probably curious where you can get these tips fast enough to avoid sacrificing your afternoon masturbation sesh, right? Well since I’m here I suppose I’ll enlighten you sorry bunch of horny amateurs.
Tip 1: Show Them Who’s Boss
You don’t want to constantly deal with this person’s bullshit. You have to intimidate them and make clear you’re not tolerating it. Buy a gun. Don’t use it. Don’t even bother buying bullets. When your hipster, artsy roommate whips out his kazoo, pull that handgun out of your desk drawer and point it as his fucking forehead! Mutter something like, “That’s the end of this nonsense, pansy boy.” The gun will show him you mean business, and the phrase “pansy boy” leaves the impression you’re a badass old dude who fought in ‘Nam.
Tip 2: Develop a Friendship
Befriending this weirdo is essential. In the event they drive you over the edge, forcing you to brutally murder them with a pickaxe, it will be much better for you to be perceived as their friend. Nobody ever suspects a close friend as the murderer. If Cory Matthews was sexually abused and murdered, do you think anyone would even consider Shawn Hunter as a suspect? No! Even though we all know Shawn unleashed his inner affections through brute force after the tapings.
Tip 3: Vandalize Their Property
Crazy Carrie is gettin’ on your last nerve. You want revenge, but also a good laugh. Why not destroy and defile all of their possessions? That stupid 98 Degrees poster needs to go anyway. Urinate on it! Spray some canola cooking oil on their pillow! Take the wheels off their swivel chair and replace them with hamsters! That’s my favorite. Your roommate will either notice before sitting down and freak out, or sit down and kill them. Nothing says, “Don’t test me, I’m fuckin’ crazier than you,” like providing your roommate the unknowing gall to carry out a four-hamster execution. They’ll probably feel so awful they’ll drop out! Nice knowing ya, pansy boy!
Tip 4: Write Them Hate Notes in their Sleep (Most Important!!!)
You’ll want to keep this one in mind, folks. Every night while your roommate (that disgrace to humanity) is sleeping you must put a hateful sticky note on their forehead. What you write should vary based on your roommate’s ethnicity. Try something like, “You embody white guilt,” “There are enough Chinese in the world without you,” or “Black people are the worst.” Make sure to be unsarcastically mean enough to truly get the message across.
Now you are fully prepared to live with a crazy person. Keep these tips in the forefront of your mind and you will undoubtedly make this person a pleasure to live with, or at least break them to the point of submission. You will DEFINITELY not get arrested. In all probability you’ll be really cool. You might even be the talk of the town. Either way you’ll keep that whackjob’s shenanigans to a minimum. You’re welcome. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to meet with Xayzo, the man from the Ouija board.