Where do I go when I’m craving mediocre food and depressing atmosphere? Well, the diner of course! While some diners have their charm, others make me feel like I’m waiting for my daily pill handouts from Nurse Ratched.
The majority of diners, regardless of location, are all pretty similar. I’ve been to quite a few in my day because I’m sad and mentally ill. The bulk of them feature the same things and people. For your relatable reading pleasure I’ve compiled a list. Here’s the stuff you’re almost guaranteed to witness in every diner imaginable.
A waitress that says “yous”
“What can I can get for yous?” I’ll have a server with better grammar and a glass of water without phlegm in it, ma’am! In all seriousness, the word doesn’t actually bother me. It’s really more comical. The fact that almost every diner has this server is even more hilarious.
A jukebox on which Backstreet Boys’ “Millenium” is the most recent album
Diner staffs grew sick and tired of changing that shit when Y2K came along.
Obviously the most redeeming diner quality in my humble opinion. It takes a real sicko to not enjoy the delightful offerings of a soup bar. Unless of course it doesn’t have chicken noodle or chicken & rice. In which case SCREW YOUR SOUPS.
A server on heroin
Sometimes plural, and heroin is often interchangeable with crank and crack. Take careful notice to the amount of teeth your waitress has when she seats you. Chances are that number will decrease by the end of the meal.
A menu with roughly 3,248 items
Hey, why are waffles and filet mignon on the same page?
A table of stoned teens
Using eye drops clearly wasn’t topping their list of priorities, and why would it be? They’re in a diner. The hostess is nodding out just a couple feet away.
I don’t know what it is about diner milkshakes. They’re plainly better than most. I won’t question why, and certainly won’t inquire what’s in them. (Probably breast milk from an unwed teen mother)
Some old guy eating by himself
This disheartens me. I hate seeing people eating by their lonesome; especially elderly folks. There’s something different about the lonely diner old guy, however. It’s the worrisome feeling he instills in me. I have to fear he could whip out his johnson and start playing with himself any minute.
A hick family
I swear diners bring these yokels out of the woodwork. Where are they coming from? You could be in Camden, NJ and some camo-capped bunch of apple knockers will stroll in. I don’t mean to generalize, but why does the redneck father typically think it’s necessary to stare me down? Dude, I’m not trying to sleep with your daughter. She has 3 eyes and is built like an over-stuffed trash bag.
Enormous photos of food on the menu
I appreciate it guys, but I’m aware what a hamburger looks like. Also, you definitely shouldn’t have a long-ass black hair visibly on the bun of the pictured burger.
Diners!!! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t eat anywhere else when you’re coming down from crack cocaine.