What does it mean to live? I have been looking for the answer to that question for the longest time. How do I become my higher self, and what is my purpose in this world?
I try so hard to become a better version of myself, like working on my body, thriving for productivity each day, setting future goals, and ultimately trying to change my whole mindset. While that may seem positive, I noticed that the ideals and expectations that I set for my life are becoming toxic to me. I’m doing all of those things to reach some sort of point—where I am, who I want to be—where my life is just how I’ve always dreamed it to be. And I feel myself getting closer and closer, but then something happens and I fall down, deep. In those very moments, I question my entire life, because no matter how hard I try, I can never reach that point. It hurts to feel all of the emotions that I’ve been trying to stay away from at once. And when that pain is too strong, sometimes I feel like I don’t want to live anymore because life is too painful.
But maybe life is supposed to feel like it is unworthy of living at times. Maybe that is how life is created to be, and the whole goal is to simply stay alive. It is often seen as the bare minimum, but it takes great strength to choose to stay in this world, to believe in what your life has to offer when there is guaranteed to be an unbearable amount of losses and pain that comes with it. I think we find that strength over time within ourselves by loving and hurting with our entirety, and we slowly learn to make peace with all that is.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never reach my highest point in life. Because maybe that sort of concept doesn’t even exist in the first place. Maybe there is no greater meaning in existing. Every moment in life is unknown until we live it, so why would we know what life is if we are still in the process of living it? I feel like there is so much beauty in that uncertainty itself.
I want to let go of all that could be and fully experience and embrace all of what is now. I want to just live.