Most people go to college and party their way through or have their nose so stuck in the books at the library that they don’t realize the world around them. I, however, decided that neither were the life for me. I fell in love so deeply that I didn’t even recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. I lost myself so completely in this love that it stripped me of my heart and soul. I fell for the broken, damaged soul. I fell for someone who needed me and depended on me. He was like no one I had ever met before and at the time I didn’t know what it was about him that made me feel this way. It wasn’t until the spring that I finally realized what it was and that very same thing is the reason we can never be together.
We were the best of friends. Doing everything together and conquering college side-by-side. Where one of us went so did the other, we never gave it much thought. It was comforting to have someone who understood me and didn’t judge me. I now look back and realize that this wasn’t the case. He only cared enough for me to feel this way. He cared just enough so I was stick around and to protect him, stroke his ego, and save him for appearances sake. Anyone could have filled my spot, he never really need me. He just needed any girl willing to play the part.
Two years have almost passed now and I’m now questioning our friendship. I have stuck by him through the lowest of lows and haven’t really seen him above sea level. I struggled with the passing of my grandmother and my dog, my mom losing her job, and my cousin’s suicide attempt in the last couple months. This is the time where I needed my friend the most. I myself struggle with some mental health issues and my friend knows this about me and still has not been there for me in my time of need. Even when I hit rough patches and it wasn’t convenient for me to be a friend, I still was. My friend is not a good spot either but I still wish and expect him to support me like I continually have done for him. I have spent late nights walking around campus, dropping everything to listen, riding in the car, quietly sitting there so he wouldn’t have to be alone. I would do anything to make him feel like he doesn’t have to struggle on his own, that I was always be here for him. I struggle to comprehend why he cannot do the same for me.
Very recently I made the decision to drink with his roommate and colleague of mine. I had fun and I hadn’t in a very, very long time. I got way to drunk, blacked out for part of the night and threw up. Not my finest hour but I still had fun. I let go and was free which I can’t stand to do (I’m a raging control freak sometimes). The next day I’m out shopping with my friend and he reveals some events of the previous evening. He also shares that I have upset him and doesn’t think he can forgive me for things I had done the previous night. I had no idea what I had done and he is the only person who remembers the events of that night. He then stops telling me things about his life he normally would, getting short with me, making plans without me, and generally making me feel unwanted and despised.
The only way he will discuss the issue is through text message until one day the silent treatment explodes. We have this huge fight which in summary is that he will never see me and trust me the same way again. I have thought about what he said I did and I don’t find anything wrong with it, which doesn’t help matters. I apparently replayed event in his past without knowing it.
I made him feel insignificant and not important. It feels like there is something else that is bothering him and he is using this to push me away. I normally would push back and try to reveal the deeper meaning but with recent events consuming me, I just don’t have the extra energy to try anymore. I feel so guilty for feeling this way and very much lost.
I have no other friends, I invested in no other friendships on campus because I don’t need a lot of friends and he got me so I didn’t feel the need to branch out. Now I have no one and I’m living with a past friend who won’t even hold a decent conversation with me anymore. How do I get past this on my own? How do attempt to make new friends in college as a junior? How do I try to deal with loss and pain with no one to talk to? How do I get through the day without spiraling into the darkness?
How do I find myself again?