How To Be The Good Girl

Lexie Barnhorn / Unsplash

I am a good girl
A feminine millennial.
Easy, breeze and CoverGirl free.

A diversified, multi-lingual
Post-modern madam;
Politically, anatomically, and ecologically inept.

I’ve been cat-called and doggy-styled,
I’ve been put down and tied-up.
I know the upside of dog-dogging.
I know the downside of uplifting.

I’m a high-maintenance lowlier
A cross-cultural cro-magnon
Bi-curious and multi-talented
And I can wear a miniskirt to the mega-mall.

I’m new age but I’m an old soul,
And my inner child is out of touch.

I’m a hot-bodied, heart seeking,
Warm-blooded cool cat,
Siri-speaking bio-mechanical babe.
I Instagram on my iPhone cam
When my iPhone cam isn’t in my hand;
I’m so inter-fused with my mystic muse
Making sure my filter is attractive
And from time to time my Facebook is active.

Behind the times but ahead of my peers
Ridin’ the pony and dodgin’ the ball
Pushin’ your buttons
I’m online, on point, on-boarded
And off the wall.

I’ve got no need for blow or weed;
I’ve got no urge to buy or splurge.

I’m in the moment, on the ball
Over the moon and getting paid under the table.

A drink a high-fashion, low budget
Medium-rare vegan smoothie.

I drive a street-wise SmartCar
A top-shelf bottom deal.

I wear pant suits and high-heeled boots,
I take cat naps, I mind the pay gap.
I’m a totally outgoing, introverted expat
Day-breaker who likes nightlife
An anti-racist pro-choice omnivore.

A raging bitch in a bitching rage,
Out-of-touch and in the zone.

I eat at IHOP
Play on my iPad
Run from the cops with LRAD
And suffer occasionally from a bought of SAD.

You can’t turn me off;
You can’t put me on.

Cause I’m underfunded and over-reactive.
Hyper-sensitive and hypo-critical.

I smoke my vape pen, blow my rape whistle.
I turn right on red and swipe left on green.

I’m a non-conformist
And on performance.
Backward planning and forward-thinking.
Light weight, heavy hitting;
Low-wage and high-pitched.

I say OK to Cupid and YES to Carrots.
No to GMOs in my Swiss Rolls
Interwoven with my outerwear.

A loaded, bloated, Topsy-turvey tantric wave
Pre-ordered and post-secret
and I have a baby daddy that sends me adult toys.

But I’m feeling, I’m sensing,
I’m breaking, I’m taking,
From a supportive, compassionate, nurturing
Primary care-giver.
My WiFi is down, but my BitCoin is up,
I take a short stroll with my long board
And my Coinbase has its own rat race.

I read my Gmail in my G-string
I watch G-rated and check my Gchat.
I only use gender-neutral, sex-positive
HIV-negative and non-binary bathrooms.

I like goin’ slow, I like movin’ fast
I dance the Hulu after I Prime my Amazon
Pay my Urban Sitter with my PayPal
I have a safe word and shop at Safeway.

I don’t like micro-aggressions in my mini-series;
I drive a mini-cooper and ride the mega-bus.

I’m not a neoliberal, neocolonial, neoconservative neophyte,
But I take my neonatal vitamins from my Neolithic paleo-approved pill-poppin’ sugar-daddy who provides pro-bono programming at a professional level.

I’m a tough chick, I watch Netflix.
I paid for Burning Man with an installment plan.

Got a table-for-two, had one-night stand
Had a quick f^ck in a food truck after the potluck.

Full-frontal back-packer
Discover-ing the world with my Visa
And the points on my MasterCard.

I like my food in a Blue Apron, Territory Hungry Harvest ready-to-go Bento Box of organic sushi with brown rice and Bush’s baked beans.

I come fully caffeinated, recently masturbated
Only date men who are emasculated –
Like a bipolar biped who rides a bicycle
Taking a bypass for bystanders from the Bible belt.

I don’t like to listen to mansplainers or managers.
I don’t manipulate or manufacture;
Submitted my manifesto of mantras to
Manhunters in Manhattan.

I’m crude and lude
and I sleep in the nude,
Like a pre-teen
Who eats Go-Lean,
Drinks Boost, and reads Proust.

My library books are over due and my eggs are underdone.
My rent is at a pro-rate before my due-date
I like ’em hard-boiled and soft-spoken.

I Tinder and Tumble
Bumble and Stumble
I’m Uber cool and can Lyft you up.

I watch my YouTube to see some under-boob
Solve my Rubix cube after I apply some lube.
My cover letter says I’m a self-starting, self-motivated and self-less.
And I wrote a self-care, self-serving, self-help book sold at a self-check out near you.

But I co-work, I’m co-dependent,
co-collaborative and co-operative,
And work at the co-op owned by Coca Cola.

I wrote a monologue against the monoliths
And got a monogamous monogram tattoo and a monocle
After I got poisoned with monoxide from a monopoly.

I wear distressed jeans and counsel depressed teens;
A happy-go-lucky, manic-pixie, prima-donna
With daddy-issues and a baby monitor.

I party hard, keep my work life balance in check,
Can’t balance a checkbook, but demand your respect.

I’m checkin’ in, a
And I’m singin’ out
Love me or hate me
It’s what I’m all about! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

The only things I really own are some musical instruments and one nice pair of shoes.

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