I am always amazed by how insane you make me.
Everything in my life is different because of you; some of it for the better, but most of it for the worse. For example, you have changed my life for the better in these ways.
I know, now. I know that love is real and true and that it can be found in anyone, even someone like me, if the right hazel eyed, curly haired person comes along and lures it out.
I am grateful, now. I am grateful for the fact that I know I don’t have a shot with you, even though that sounds crazy. I’m grateful for it, because I don’t have to stay up late questioning whether or not you meant the “I love you” you would have sent me; instead, I stay up late questioning if I’ll ever have the guts to have a normal conversation with you. I have been given no false hope.
I am mindful, now. I am mindful of the fact that real love cannot be helped. Real love cannot be cured with the words “just get over it”. I used to tell shake my head at people; click my tongue at what I thought was ignorance because of their continued love for someone who didn’t love them. I realize, now, that you are going to love who you love, regardless of them loving you back or not; it would make it a lot easier if they did, but sometimes they won’t. And that hurts. A lot. But that doesn’t mean your feelings just go away.
I am observant, now. I notice things in people that I never have before (especially you). In terms of others, I notice when someone has their head hung in a sadness they don’t have anyone to talk to about, for I hang my own in that sadness daily. In terms of you, I notice how you always have to be doing something with your hands. Whether it be tugging at your bad ear, twirling a nearby eraser, or flailing them around as you talk; you’re always doing something with them. (I think it’s kind of cute, really.)
But as I said, my life has been changed for the worse because of you.
I ache, now. I ache because of you. Sometimes it’s because I miss you, sometimes it’s because I love you so much, sometimes it’s because I’m terrified of what I’m going to do without you, sometimes it’s just because of memories I have with you. I ache. In a way I’ve never ached before. I ache in the middle of the day and I ache in the middle of the night. I ache so badly I scream and cry and I ache so badly that I can do nothing by stare blankly at the floor. I ache so badly I double over and I ache so badly that I can do nothing but smile. I ache.
I am over sensitive, now. I am over sensitive to the way people act around me (especially you). In terms of other people, I automatically assume they don’t want me around. I assume that I am bothersome and an annoyance in everyone’s lives; which, I very well may actually be. I don’t know. In terms of you, I assume that you know. I assume that you know how much I love you and you hate me for it, despite all the signs that say you don’t. The little things are the big things and the big things are the bigger things. I am over sensitive.
I cry, now. I cry more than I ever used to, with enough force behind each sob to crumble the biggest mountain. I cry because I love you and I cry because I wish you loved me. I cry because I don’t know who to talk to you about and I cry because I wish I could climb on the roof and scream how much I love you. I cry because your light laugh is always ringing in my ears and I cry because I don’t know how to get the damn thing out of my head. I cry.
I am a coward, now. I have never exactly been brave, but I’ve never hidden so much of myself before this. I am a coward. My cheeks burn with embarrassment when you catch me looking at you, my brain dismissing the fact that you were looking at me, too. My voice quivers and falters when we speak, no matter what we are speaking about. My hands shake violently and my knees feel weak whenever you are near. I refuse to start conversations, for fear of messing up (though I always figure out a way to mess up, in the end). I am a coward.
The list could go on and on, but I won’t let it.
You won’t ever read this and it’s pointless to even try to fully express my feelings for you, mainly because I don’t know what they are. One day you are the love of my life and your hazel eyes are galaxies I love getting lost in. Another day you are the love of my life and your hazel eyes are galaxies full of endless black holes and danger; burning meteorites and toxic gases. One day you are the only reason I feel happy and another day you are the only reason I feel sad.
But despite all of this, despite everything and all of the odds against my favor, I know one thing that will always be true: I love you.
I know I may move on; fall in a different kind of love with the same kind of person. But I will always love you. My feelings for you may fade, the forest fire of love I have now may turn to a dull wisp of light barely capable of making something cast a shadow. But it will never go away. You will always be my first love and you will always hold a piece of my heart. If you were to tell me that you loved me back, whether it be right now or in 20 years, I would ruin my life for you. I would drop everything and run to you.
I will always melt for your beautiful eyes and your contagious smile. I will always insist that our souls loved each other in a different lifetime. I will always question why the universe showed me something as beautiful as you, only to forever keep you just out of my reach.
And I will always be amazed at how insane you make me.