You Are The Reason For All My Commitment Issues

I know, it is not right to blame a person for the misfortunes and issues that I am experiencing now because everything that I am now is the result of the decisions I made in the past.

But let me tell you this: you gave me the reason to hate relationships and to fear intimate interactions.

We met at the time of my life when I was so vulnerable and naïve. I was at the time when I was quite ready to move to more serious relationships rather than sticking to virtual relationships. You were a nice guy, or so I thought. You were cute, many of the other girls like you because you are a very charming guy. I thought you might be my first serious boyfriend, but I know you too little that I decided to date you.

A friend of mine, who happened to be a friend of yours, told me that you are a fuck boy. Yup, he told me that. He told me all your past hooking up stories. He told me that you were once found in the toilet fucking a girl whom you happened to be with in the dance club. He also added that you had a long distance girlfriend that time. Another girl from your school told me that you also hooked up with different girls even if you are already dating one. Someone also told me that you had a girlfriend of two years when you dated me. One of your friends told me the most heartbreaking reason why you dated me—you learned that I am still a virgin and you wanted to have sex with me.

That honestly broke my heart. I believed everything that you said, including the lie that you loved me. Someone gave me the number of your girlfriend and I confirmed that you are indeed in a relationship with a girl who hoped that you changed your womanizing attitude. I broke up with you, with it is a broken fantasy of a guy’s intention on dating a virgin like me. I came clean with your girlfriend and told her your intentions that your friends told me. I do not know if she really broke up with you, but I’d be more than happy if she did.

It was a long time ago, but it left me scared. Whenever I meet a guy who is interested in me, I begin to check whether he is really interested in me or just want to fuck me. I question every intention that they have.

I became very careful that it came to a point where I would just build walls around me, that if a guy would show interested in me, I would drift away from him. I learned not to be too attached with a man because I predict that we will just break up and I just have to move on. I doubt people, I doubt the intention they have in coming near me.

I fear intimate relationships because I am afraid that if I say no, they will just look for someone who can give him the sexual pleasure that I refuse to give. I fear relationships because I fear infidelity. I fear relationships because I do not want to be one of the girls we will play with.

I do not have any bad blood for you now. It’s been years. I want to thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for being a fuck boy when we met, at least now I know when to trust and what to do when I meet someone like you.