Thought Catalog

5 Awesome Ways You Can Get Back At Your Sh*tty Ex

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Flickr / Valentina Costi
Flickr / Valentina Costi

Did your ex stomp all over your heart, leaving you with nothing but your tears and a box of kleenex? Instead of gazing up at the moon, wondering when you will feel whole again, I suggest taking the situation into your own hands. Time will heal all, but sometimes revenge is the best medicine. Here are the top 5 ways to get back at the one who broke your heart.

Don’t get mad, get even.

1. Send Elephant Shit

Were they shitty to you? Now it’s your turn to be even shittier. Visit poopsenders.com and send your ex-loved one a gallon of fresh animal feces, right to their front door! Choose from Cow, Elephant, or Gorilla poop. You can even get a combo value pack if your feeling extra shitty. What goes around comes around…

2. Break Valuables

Pretend you are open to working out your issues. When your ex invites you over so you two can chat about your relationship, play cool until they leave the room. Now it’s time to wreak havoc. Grab a heavy item (lamp, remote control, dog) and throw it through the flatscreen. Aim for the middle! If you hit the corner, the TV may still be watchable. Next, grab a laptop and break it over the coffee table. By this time, they may hear the ruckus and be on the way back. Work fast. Just start grabbing ceramic and glass objects and throwing them at the walls as you flee.

3. Hack Social Media

If your ex is a boy and has a pet, this is most likely his password. If your ex is a girl, you’ll never guess that shit. Trust me. But try your best.
Anyway, get into snapchat and let all their friends know what a piece of shit this person is! Then move onto Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Don’t forget to change the passwords!

4. Open House

If you were able to successfully hack Facebook, why don’t you do him or her a favor and throw them a party? I’m sure they’re feeling down since all of their belongings are broken and all they have to their name now is a box of gorilla shit. Start messaging friends from your ex’s profile, pretending to be them of course, and invite some people over tonight! The more the merrier. Is your ex deathly allergic to peanuts? Ask their friends to bring over some yummy peanut butter treats!

5. Sell Their Car

Post a picture of his/her car, or any car really, on Craigslist, and give the people an amazing deal. Underneath be sure to include a full name and cell phone number, with the tagline “phone calls welcome!” Their phone will be ringing off the hook for the next few days.

Congratulations! Revenge is the first step in moving on. Now go get yourself drink and start crying again. TC mark

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    • http://www.bitterbeardface.com bitterbeardface

      Mail order shit…wow. When I was young we had to collect it, sneak up to the porch and light it on fire. Gotta love progress

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