As I lie awake at 4am trying to pen down my jumbled thoughts of you, I cannot help but weep to myself. My mind is trying to decipher the answers to the questions lingering in my head, refusing to go away. Tell me, how do you let go of someone you still love? How do I tell my heart to forget the one person I hold on to so dearly? I cannot seem to void myself of all feeling and be numb to everything that reminds me of you. I cannot do the impossible.
Six months with you went by in a flash. But I do not regret a single moment spent with you. Not the times when you let me down, or the times we spent doubting each other. You were the biggest part of my life. Despite all our differences, thank you for each and every day. I guess, we only have ourselves to blame for forcing the impossible to work, and inflicting such pain to our fragile hearts. We should have known better not to go against the force of nature. But we stubbornly went ahead with our love, only to find ourselves in a deep dark hole of fear and doubt.
You were the most familiar person to me, yet at the same time a total stranger. And my biggest regret after all this time is not being able to fix you. I always wanted you to love me the way I knew how. But you weren’t like that at all. You never bought me roses for Valentines, or made our relationship a public one. But you loved me, in your own subtle way you did. I know it deep inside. In hindsight, I should have been more understanding, to analyze the situation better before jumping into conclusions. Maybe with that I could have fixed your brokenness. But instead, I only managed to leave you more broken than ever. You braved your weaknesses and showed me just how vulnerable you were. You told me that you feared separation. But yet, you still decided to take huge leap toward me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. But ultimately, I could not leave you a less broken man. We started out without a foundation. And we had too much to fear, fear of each other leaving. Both of us built a wall so high out there was no way we could have torn it down, hence why we were doubtful till the end. But I know now, I should have accepted you love as it was, for it was beautiful.
The hardest thing about separation is when it is no more a choice, but a must-do. We had to leave each other no matter how hard I loved, or how I longed to be with you. We never had a choice, for we were too different. We had different beliefs, different values and goals in life, different thoughts and reactions. It was inevitable. It was bound to happen, whether sooner or later. And that is why this separation is harder than I imagined possible. Because I left you, even though I still loved you with every fiber of my being. And now, I know there is no more hope I can cling on to anymore. The only things I have consuming my heart are the memories of us, and it hurts. More than I thought possible. I wanted so much more with you. I wanted to experience life with you. But alas, we could only make it work this far…. I remember asking you once, why couldn’t we be together if we truly loved each other. And finally, I think I truly understand it now.
I have no more tears left in me. I cannot cry no more. But yet, my heart aches with so much pain each time I think of you. What am I to do, when the only remedy for my broken soul is also poison to me?
My dearest, please always remember. You are so much more than you know. You deserve to be with the best. You feel so much, yet you never express anything, please change that. You are broken in every way possible but you are also perfect. You taught me what it means to be carefree; you taught me how about myself both emotionally and physically. You were simple but meticulous. You were also funny but serious. You always hid behind fear, please don’t let that fear grip you anymore. You reminisce about memories like no other. You were egoistic and prideful, thank you for pushing those things away while we were together. You love uniquely, I should have appreciated you. You are smart, and determined. Don’t hate yourself when time is not spent fruitfully. Travel, travel all you want. Ride a bike to Australia, return to Switzerland and find your happiness there. Take pictures of amazing things, like the candid ones you did of me. Learn what it means to confide in people, to trust them. The world is more amazing than you know. But most of all, love with all you have, unconditionally. Because being with you taught me that. You deserve to be loved, and to love. You just do not know it yet.
For making me so happy, I thank you. Our spot in the park, I will never forget. The night you called me yours in front of family, I shall remember forever. It was the happiest I had been in a long time. When you casually turned to me telling me you loved me, your eyes sparkling, thank you for that. The times you randomly took my hand spilling kisses on it, or the times you insisted on holding my hand while studying. I hope I don’t forget how it felt. I will cling on to the happy times we shared and maybe then, will I finally have my answer of how to let go of you. But for now, I’ll think of you when I stumble upon Billy Joel singing ‘The Piano Man’; or when I take too long a nap just because you hated sleep. Similarly, please remember me when you munch on my favorite snack, just because I love it too. Dig me out from the back of your mind while doing algebra because I gave you that calculator.
In the end, this relationship was deeper than any other. And only the both of us had the privilege to experience it. Only you and I understood it. But now, I have to let you go, because some differences just cannot be changed. I loved you so much. I still love you. In due time, I hope my heart will finally be able to adjust to the days without you. Our routine on Thursdays and Fridays, I hope I forget it. You were a big part of my life. And I pray that you forever will be, just in a different way this time round.
Goodbye now, my lover.