As we come close to the 2015 finish line, I look back at the past year and see how much things have changed. From ringing in the New Year with someone I thought would be around at least until the next year, to plans of ending it alone in my apartment with a bottle of wine and my dog.
When I lost you, I lost “it” and everything in myself. I thought I’d never see or appreciate the light of day again nor would I begin to fathom the possibility of loving someone other than you. I hit rock bottom and I honestly thought that was where I was going to stay for a very long time.
But now I’m beginning to learn how to hold on my own, to wake up on my own, to depend on only myself, the way I used to before I met you. I’m finding the strength in myself again and I wouldn’t be granted this opportunity had you not left the way you did.
Enough time has passed for me to understand that you’ll never be in my life the same way you were six months ago. You’re not going to wake up one day and realize you made a mistake. You’re not going to live the fairytale I’ve always dreamed — where you appear at my doorstep with sunflowers and a sorrowful apology. You’re not going to pick up things where we left off.
Instead of dreaming the impossible, I’ve become optimistic. I no longer hope for a second chance with you, but a first chance at being friends.
Maybe we can begin again in the way we were supposed to end.
I’ve stopped longing for your body next to mine in my bed, but I’ve hoped for laughs and conversation over brunch at our favorite cafe. I no longer need reassurance of your affection, but I wish for someone to talk to every now and then; because your advice was always so important to me. I’ve wondered how your gigs have been lately; because regardless of being in love with you or not, I’ve always been a fan.
I’ve recently reconnected with the one who held the trophy for my broken heart long before you took first place. He was always the one I couldn’t think about without a tear in my eye, someone I couldn’t move on from for years on end, and someone I never thought I’d find comfort in until now.
We can talk about all of our accomplishments since we last saw each other and we can laugh about the old times that once seemed like the end of the world. In a hopeless hole of failed relationships, we found a beautiful, genuine friendship.
I hope what I have with him can be found with you too. Maybe not now, maybe not next year, but someday.
I want to be able to talk to you the way I used to. I want someone to share my success with as a friend, someone to listen when work gets to be too much, and someone I can just laugh with from time to time.
I want to believe you came into my life for a reason. I hope you didn’t walk away for good. I need to know that you were always meant to stay one way or another.
I don’t need you to tell me you love me, or that you’ve missed me when I was gone. I don’t need to hold hands or talk on the phone for hours. I don’t need the person I’ve always wanted you to be for me. I just need a friend in you. No pressure, no expectation. Just friends.
Because until this day, I still feel that you’re missing from my life. This time, not as a partner but as a companion. It could end beautifully or disastrously; but after all the time we’ve invested in each other, don’t you think it’s worth a try?