Maybe I’m Not Meant For Love

I never needed anyone. I used to laugh at the thought of marriage and children. It was impossible for me to see myself with someone–to be completely invested in a partner and to build a life with them–and then I met you. I’d been hurt before. Over the years of being lied to and cheated on, I built walls I thought could never be broken.

You came along and you changed my world. You changed everything I believed in. Suddenly, I was counting down the hours at work until I’d see you again. You were the number one topic in any conversation and I started seeing you in my future. I felt comfortable enough to hang out with you without makeup and I also loved dressing up for a night on the town with you.

You were different because you were proud of me. You brought me around your family and your friends. I supported you at every one of your shows and danced with you at weddings. Those walls that were built slowly started to fall down, brick by brick. With every day you told me I looked beautiful and every night you said you loved me before we went to sleep, I found the confidence in myself I never thought I’d see again.

I know I’m not like your friends. I’m not the life of the party and I’m not that interesting. I’m shy and insecure, and often have trouble communicating. I guess I’m not the girl you bring on a night out or the girl you take on vacation. I’m not the girl you talk to about your hopes and dreams, but I could be.

I was your best friend. You told me so. I was your partner and I was always there for you. Going out exhausts me and small talk flies right over my head. But I tried my best to make you happy. I went out when you wanted and I met everyone you cared about. Being someone you were proud of put a smile on my face like never before. I felt beautiful, strong, and loved. I enjoyed life and saw it as something worth living.

Maybe I’m not meant for love. I’m scared to get hurt again and even more, I’m scared to love again. I’m not the open person everyone wants me to be. I’m not the trophy girlfriend a guy can be proud of. I’m not the girl you wait for to change. I’m the girl that takes her time because she can’t get hurt again. I’m the girl that takes years to open up because it’s putting everything on the line.

Everything I feared when I started dating you, is exactly what I got in the end. I lost the family I thought I gained. I lost the friends I thought I was starting to make and most of all, I lost my best friend in you. I depended too much on you for my happiness. I needed you by my side at night and I needed you to listen to my complaints about work. Now that you’re gone, I don’t have anyone. No one to hold me at night and no one to talk to.

Maybe you’re meant for love but I’m not. You were the perfect boyfriend and the best best friend I could ask for. You taught me all I know about being an open person and taking a leap of faith into new adventures. I’ll never forget the support I had from you in starting my own business, in dealing with chronic illness, and all the family drama I’ve been through. I thank you for the time you spent with me and I’ll never forget it. I’ll be jealous of the girl you get to share yourself with next and I’ll long to be the girl you spend the rest of your life with. Until then, I’ll remain the girl who is just not meant for love.