I am here to tell you that it is okay to lose your direction sometimes. It is okay if you stumble into darkness and choose to stay there for a little while. And trust me when I say it is more than okay if it feels lonely there. It usually is. At least at the beginning. But you do not have to pull yourself out of that messiness if you are not ready. Even if others are trying to pull you out. If you feel guilty for abandoning others, even the best parts of yourself, let these words give you permission to sulk in your sadness for as long as you need.
Let your emotions bloom and prosper into all they can and will grow into one day. Even if you can’t make sense out of them yet. Even if it hurts to experience them. Even if there are no words that will ever have the capacity to embody their intensity. You see, sometimes life makes a mess out of us. And sometimes, we on our own find a way to make a mess out of it. That’s the tricky thing about living and learning at the same time—or at least trying to. Mistakes happen first, and learning tends to achingly follow.
But I hope you know that your bad decisions do not make you a bad person. They are what make you real. A human with flaws. A human with a beating heart. You were made to feel, to think, and to interact with everything that stretches out before you. But your mind is malleable. Influenced by its surroundings and experiences, it is constantly changing. Reshaping itself over and over again, until it becomes too hard for your heart to reach every corner of it.
Desperately stretching itself thin, your heart weakens, and ends up giving way to a paralyzing darkness to seep into the tears of your tender heart. And just like that, you will find your soul stumbling into a silent stillness. But in some way, it will be more comforting than the chaos it came from. Where your head and heart were in constant conflict. And this is why you will remain there. This is why we will all remain there. So remain.
You see, sometimes you aren’t supposed to make sense out of the chaos. Sometimes, the chaos is meant to help you make sense out of yourself. So welcome it. The chaos. The darkness. The mystery of it all. Because you are healing in the hollowness, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Your heart is gently thawing every ice age that comes and goes. Your mind is slowly shifting every “I want to be” to “I am”. And on the day your soul builds enough courage to faintly whisper, “Is this all I am destined for? Or is there more?” Your head and heart will gently whisper back, “Darling, you are destined for so much more. Let us show you. Let us show you what we were rebuilding for. Let us show you what we were patiently waiting for.”
Because you see, the strongest people are not the ones that ignore pain and close themselves off so they don’t feel anything. No, the strongest people are the ones that allow themselves to feel absolutely everything. And as they do, they quietly whisper, “I know this will hurt, but this too is something I will heal from.”
So if you happen to stumble into the darkness, it is okay. Take all the time you need. Because soon enough you will uncover the truth, which is you were stumbling into your strength.