I Found Dick Pics On My (Ex) Boyfriend’s Laptop, But They Weren’t His

Flickr / David Goehring
Flickr / David Goehring

To start, let me be very clear: this legitimately happened and in no way is it a joke or form of revenge, even though my ex boyfriend is an absolutely awful person. You know, one of those boyfriends you wholeheartedly wish people didn’t know that you dated.

I had been seeing this kid, we’ll just refer to him as Frank, on and off for about two years. When I say kid, I really mean it. He was a couple years younger than me and insanely immature. He was a complete douche, and I knew this, but he did that thing where he would treat me like shit and I would consequently yearn for his approval. In retrospect, I was weak and insecure. He was a total waste of my time and energy. Once he kicked me out of his house at 4 o’clock in the morning, then took my cell phone and chucked it over a fence so I couldn’t call my friends for help, just to give you an idea.

Anyway, a lot of people would tell me that he looked like he might be gay. I could see that he had some feminine characteristics/features and was definitely metro. He spent a lot of time on personal grooming and had his eyebrows done (they were immaculate) but certainly nothing to ascertain that he was gay. We had sex and it was fine. He had a lengthy history of female ex girlfriends and even cheated on me with one of them. What’s a girl to think?

One summer we went on vacation with about 12 of our good friends. We stayed in this amazing beach house that was actually more like a mansion. I remember it having this enormous shark head that gazed out over the front door with a wide-open mouth full of teeth. There were so many hormones and so much alcohol permeating that house. It was quite the vacation spot.

We were a few days, and a few arguments, in when Frank left the house alone to visit some family that lived in the area. It was the morning after a big drinking night and everyone was exhausted, hungover, and strewn about the house in a post party stupor. I was downstairs, in the room I was currently sharing with Frank, and decided to upload some of the vacation pictures I’d taken onto his laptop. Let’s just say that I got plenty more pictures than I’d bargained for.

So I load the photos onto his laptop and start searching through folders so that I can sort and edit them. What I find instead, though, is what can only be described as an impressive collection of dick pics (that were not of Frank’s penis.) Initially, I was horrified at the prospect of my boyfriend being into guys. But I quickly came to terms with this and realized the complete hilarity of the situation. I called two of my good friends, who just so happen to be gay, downstairs to examine my findings. So much laughter and repeating of “I told you so!” ensued. Eventually, another girl came down and was speechless for awhile, until she finally blurted out, “Oh my gosh! Dicks, dicks, and more dicks!” This became a running joke for a long time afterward.

By this time, the entire house is fully aware of the array of dicks on my boyfriend’s computer. There are still a couple days left of the vacation. How. Fucking. Awkward. I decided against immediate confrontation, for the sake of enjoying the beach house, and everyone agreed to keep his/her mouths shut about the whole ordeal. Honestly, I doubt it was something anyone was eager to bring to light anyway. But obviously I still needed to get to the bottom of the dicks!

When it came time to leave, we packed into 3 different cars and drove the full 8 hours home. Frank was driving and I was the last to be dropped off. I told him that we needed to talk, which was a terrible idea. When I started fumbling with my words and couldn’t bring myself to discuss the pictures, he proceeded to get frustrated, freak out, and drive home. Typical behavior for him, by the way.

He called me about 15 minutes later and insisted I tell him what was going on. And so I did: “Um, so I found all these pictures of dicks on your laptop while I was uploading vacation photos and I guess I just need to know what’s really going on. Was sort of wondering if you’re interested in men?” You know, something to that effect. He acted totally surprised and told me that his laptop was dead and he needed to charge it before he could investigate my absurd claim. He called me 20 minutes later flipping out because he had no idea how all of these dick pics got on his computer! It was hilarious.

He swore over and over that it was one of his friends pulling a prank on him. He had no idea how all these photos were downloaded onto his laptop, but over 50 pictures of random schlongs (a real variety, too) don’t just appear out of thin air. I also knew that he kept his laptop in his room and rarely had visitors, aside from myself.

That was sort of the breaking point for us. Thank goodness for that. Dating him was harmful to both my self-esteem and overall growth as an individual. Frank’s mom was awesome though; we continued to text each other long after I stopped seeing him. Now he’s dating some other girl (bless her soul.) As for me, I’m happy, confident, and in a healthy relationship. But I’d be lying if I said my friends and I didn’t still occasionally laugh about the dick pic story. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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