I Fell Fast And Hard For Him, And In The End, He Crushed My Heart

There is always that one person that you fall too hard for. It happens so fast and you don’t even see it coming. He seeps into your life without warning.

He was the poison in my life. It coursed through my veins and stung at my heart. It brought me to my knees gasping for air. The poison made me believe that he was the one and that he was worth fighting for. I also believed that he felt the same way about me. But I was wrong.

We were once friends. We had many late night talks and summer night drives. We could talk for hours about life and our dreams.

But I guess we can’t be friends anymore. Once the first kiss happens, it’s all over. I told him how I felt about him and he backed away. He ran into the shadows only to emerge when he needed me.

Now we I’m stuck in this weird limbo. Between friend and girlfriend. Stuck in this stark white waiting room reading bad magazines, waiting for him to make up his mind. Waiting for him to stop running back to his ex girlfriend because she feels safe. Waiting for a chance to prove that I am are capable of making him happy. I’m stuck in this place with no name, and no way out.

I see my phone light up with his name and my heart flutters. I text back smiley faces and senseless emojis to hide my true feels. All of me wants to ask if he is ready for me in his life. But I don’t, because I want him say it on his own.

But he never does.

I jump at the chance to see him. We make plans that never happen, lunch dates he never shows to and favors he never returns. Meanwhile I make extravagant excuses for him and deceive myself into believing that he is so great.

And then one day I stop. I can’t let the poison continue. It’s draining the life out of me. I need to suck out the poison before it’s too late.

I can’t answer his texts or calls. I can’t dream of us together anymore. I can’t wait around for the day when he will want me in my life.

But there is one thing I wish I could tell him. I will always remember you. I decided that although it’s slightly painful I will never forget our friendship. Sitting shotgun and looking over at you while you hold the steering wheel with one hand and change the radio station with the other. Only stopping when you find a Drake song that’s playing. I’ll never forget that when you laugh your eyes laugh too. And I want you to know that they are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen on a man. They are soft hazel/brown with the slightest tint of green and they make my heart skip a beat every time I look into them.

But this all has to come to an end. This isn’t healthy, this obsession is toxic and wasteful.

You weren’t the best person for me and I think we both know that but when I was with you I never felt more alive. You opened my eyes to things I thought I couldn’t see. You showed me that if I loved myself first that more guys will be interested in loving me too.

I just wish you had wanted to be one of them. TC mark

featured image – Flickr / anna gutermuth

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