Power Ranking My Five Most Mortifying Moments Of 2016

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If you were born in the 90’s, then you are likely familiar with Anna Nalick’s post-breakup ballad “Breathe”. Despite it being a fleeting hit, the lyrics of this song have stayed with me for years:

“Two AM, and I’m still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.”

Writing has been my exercise of choice when trying to process all the emotions that make existence challenging. Of all the emotions that have left me wide awake – embarrassment is the most paralyzing. So, per Nalick’s advice, I thought I’d attempt to release some of the power that these humiliating situations have over me by writing them down – fully aware that this article may become the 6th most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.

1. Peeing Myself at a Brewers Baseball Game

If you haven’t participated in professional sporting events in Wisconsin, then it may be hard to understand how one can get so intoxicated that they can’t even make it to the bathroom. I’m not saying this is a rite of passage – but I am CERTAIN that I am not the only person to have attended a Brewers/Packers/Badgers Game and been unable to control myself. What makes my story unique, is my attempt to cover up the situation. Near black-out, I thought it would be best to tell my friends that someone peed on me. Without thinking the details through, suddenly I had crafted a ridiculous story of me slipping and falling into someone else’s pee stream. At the time, it made sense. Until this moment, I have never admitted that my story was fabricated. My friends have humored me for all these years, pretending to believe me. Today, I wipe the slate clean. I was so drunk that I fell down while my shorts were around my ankles and peed myself. There. I said it.

2. Peeing Myself at a Target (seriously, I might have a medical condition)

I honestly thought the above story would be the first and last time I publically soiled myself, but it turns out there’s something wrong with me. This instance differs drastically because I was completely sober, and it was Tuesday at 11 AM. See, I’m hyper-obsessive about drinking water. At this very moment, I have 6 water bottles at my desk. For some time, I incorrectly believed that the only sign of proper hydration was clear pee. And so, this was my goal. You could say I was overly ambitious on this Tuesday – nervously chugging water all morning as my team prepped for a big upcoming show. I was asked to run to Target quickly to buy some reinforcement snacks for a team that had pulled an all-nighter. With laser focus on my mission, I decided the bathroom would have to wait. Until I was walking to my car with a full cart of groceries. I was physically UNABLE to hold it any longer. Because apparently I am a toddler, and not a grown woman with a steady job. After putting my groceries in the trunk of my car, I decided to walk (wet & bow-legged) back inside the Target, thinking I could hand-dry my jeans and pretend the incident never happened (I had to go back to work after all). But after 4 minutes in the Target bathroom, and 5 horrified looks from strangers as I stood there pants off, and ass out….I decided I would just buy a new skirt and wear it out. Of all the places I could have peed myself, I’d say Target was the smartest option. Thankfully my coworkers are all dudes. So when I told them I “spilled coffee” all over myself, they assumed I got my period and refused to interrogate further.

3. Having a Phone Call with My Boss While Getting My Ass Hole Waxed

My boss was in a meeting, so I used the free afternoon to step out for a quick Brazilian. I didn’t want my boss to know I had left early, so I told my very understanding and super cool esthetician that I’d need to keep my phone by me to be safe. Sure enough, just minutes before the appointment was over, my boss called. Thankfully, I was laying on my stomach and able to hold a conversation while my waxer proceeded to spread my butt cheeks and wax my ass hole. She did her job, while I casually sorted out a miscommunication regarding Broadcast fees & Comcast advertising. I honestly still struggle to look my boss in the eye – as if I violated him without his knowledge. I fear this secret humiliation will never subside until I leave the job. Which is a shame, because I really like my job.

4. Splitting a Thong While Dancing At a Wedding

I was at a very small, classy, Pinterest wedding – attempting to tastefully dance to a live band playing wholesome tunes like “You Make Me Wanna Shout.” All of a sudden I felt a little too ~*free & breezy*~ – a sensation beyond what I expected from the open bar. I politely excused myself to use the restroom, only to find my delicate, leopard-print thong split horizontally across the crotch. I was essentially wearing an ill-fitting loin cloth – the lower ends just flapping in the wind. Thankfully, me and the bride had been friends since middle school, so she was tickled pink to know that I left her a ripped thong in her bathroom as a little wedding present. I may have packed extra shoes for dancing, but I didn’t pack extra undergarments. I proceeded to go commando the rest of the night. I didn’t hate it.

5. Kiss-Farting

I was blessed once upon a time to date a guy taller than me – which seems to remain a thing of the past. I’m either getting taller, or men are getting shorter. But on one sweet occasion, I got up on my tippy toes to kiss my tall, handsome boyfriend… and let one slip. I won’t claim to understand science, or physiology, or anatomy. I’m not sure why the effort exerted by my toes and calves simultaneously relaxed my booty enough to allow this to happen. I avoided reacting in ANY manner – certain that I could blame creaky floors. But sure enough, my boyfriend slowly stepped back, put his hands on my shoulders, and said, “Did you just Kiss-Fart?”. I’m not surprised it didn’t work out between us.

I fear I’ll have new Top 5 after 2017 has had its way with me.