17 Completely Rational Thoughts I Had When Chipotle Told Me They Were Out of Guacamole


It was a casual Wednesday, much like any other. I found myself with 30 free minutes between work meetings, which meant I had just enough time to pick up a Chipotle bowl to-go. Despite the sticky, humid summer weather, I could not justify driving two blocks. So I risked sweating through my silk blouse and made the trek to my beloved neighborhood Chipotle, where the lunch time line was already out the door. I contemplated choosing another lunch destination, but once one commits to Chipotle, there is no going back. I had caught scent of the savory Carnitas, and I needed a hit. I ordered my usual bowl, and life was full of possibility, and joy, and hope. Until I reached the designated condiment employee – and she slowly shook her head “no”.

Her bottom lip protruding and quivering, she informed me that they were out of guacamole.

My immediate thought process:

1. I will burn this place to the ground.

2. I will literally flip this burrito bowl in your face if you don’t show me the guacamole.

3. Is this illegal? Can I sue?

4. People have killed for less.

5. There’s a bar next door. Can I ask them for guac?

6. What if I just lay here on the ground and throw a temper tantrum? Would that get me guacamole?

7. This bowl better be free. I didn’t even get rice. I WAS TRYING TO BE HEALTHY.

8. Can’t wait to eat my meat and lettuce like a peasant.

9. Unforgivable.

10. Are sales down? Seriously. Sales must be down.

11. Why didn’t you put a warning sign on the door? WHERE IS THE PSA? Tell the people to stay home.

12. Is this a nationwide epidemic? What presidential candidate is addressing this issue?

13. If there is an avocado shortage, I will factually vote for whomever can help this crisis.

14. There is no God.

15. Nothing is sacred.

16. I’m not sure I can even go to this 2:00 meeting. I am too enraged.

17. I will diminish.

If you think your day can’t get any worse…it can. Your burrito bowl could suffer a guac-less fate. I may never trust again. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I see myself as having two paths: I can be a country singer with the stage name Melissa Leigh. Or I can be a rap goddess, and the people will call me Reck-Lyss.

Keep up with Melissa on socialmediamelissa.com

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