I’ve always been really good at explaining how I feel. What I’m thinking. Why I’m hurting. But recently I’ve found myself at a loss for words. The way I’m feeling doesn’t make sense, and the words don’t do it justice. It feels like you were never a part of my life, but at the same time I feel your loss every day. I miss you in songs and jokes and TV shows. I think about you when I wake up and when I go to sleep.
But at the same time, it feels like you were never there.
I think back to the memories we had together, and it feels like I’m watching someone else’s life. Like I’m watching a movie. Because those moments couldn’t have been my own. Because the person who made me feel that good couldn’t possibly be the reason that I feel like my world is falling apart. Because the person I fell in love with couldn’t have been the one who broke my heart.
I remember being with you on the beach, in my room, on the roof, and yet it feels so distant. I can’t remember what your voice sounds like, or what it felt like when we kissed. And it feels like we never did.
Are you really the person I shared those memories with? Are you really the person who held me close when I was scared? The one who told me that you’d never abandon me and that you’d always be there? The one who told me that we would get through it all together? It just can’t be.
I don’t know why these memories feel so distant. Why they feel so removed. It doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t make me miss you any less. It’s not a coping mechanism. It just…is. And it leaves me lost. And confused. Because all the memories. The good, the bad, all of them, don’t feel like they’re mine. The photos I look at are foreign to me, because I don’t understand how I could be the girl in the photo, or how the man standing next to me could be you. Because we never loved like that.
We never touched like that. Did we?
I know that as time passes, the memories fade. But these memories aren’t fading. They’re there. I remember them like I remember what happened with my favourite couple on my favourite TV show. But I don’t remember them like they were mine. I feel the hurt, the pain, and the heartbreak. But the memories? They’re not mine, they couldn’t be.
I miss you every day. But I don’t even know what I’m missing.
I can’t pinpoint what exactly is making me hurt. I don’t know what is lacking. I don’t miss our good memories because it doesn’t feel like they were ours. I don’t know if I miss you because it feels like you were never really around. Like maybe our friendship and our relationship was all a part of my imagination and it never existed. Like you never existed. Like we never did.
Maybe I’ve forgotten you. But that’s not what it is. Maybe I can’t understand how the man I fell in love with could turn out to be so cruel, so cold, and so heartless. Maybe my brain can’t understand how those memories could be with you. The first night you told me you loved me, and I thought I had found the one. It doesn’t feel like my memory. But I miss you.
So where does that leave me? Confused. Sad. And at a loss for words.