It’s a pain unlike any other. Raw, exposed, persistent, fierce, hard, full, but also empty. It comes without warning from a single trigger, a moment in time that brings you back to a memory, bittersweet from the pain surrounding it. The pain supersedes and dominates control of all other emotions. It brings an unwanted dominance over self, similar to the negative harsh presence it brings to a life.
Why can’t it be controlled? What’s the big deal with it all anyway? Does it find joy in destruction and disconnecting?
Maybe it’s so painful simply because the mind cannot make sense of it. It’s confusing to think how the pain originated. Words that were said that didn’t align with actions, which didn’t always align with feelings. Unmet expectations. Unanticipated adventures. The highest of highs and lowest of lows, swirling between two bodies.
How can some people seem to just turn it off? I’m slightly envious that I cannot. Or maybe no one can fully turn it off, but rather they hide under a blanket of various social media highlight reels of life.
It’s so challenging to heal through such a deep pain. Does that make me regret what has led me to this moment? Some days, to be honest, the answer is maybe, but then my heart knows without risks we live safely but never truly joyfully. Heartbreak is an essence of being human. Maybe the silver lining and beauty in heartbreak is the entire experience of living through an emotion so intense that you can feel it in every ounce of your entire physical and mental being.
For every force there, there is an equal and opposite force that corresponds. I will hold onto faith that the opposite of this pain is so extraordinary that I cannot even imagine the greatness it encompasses. I’m holding onto hope that it exists, the opposite force to this kind of pain.
And you know what? Today, that’s enough.