Oh, the amount of strength a year’s time can hold. It all hit me from a spark of joy, a true gift from the universe. That taste of joy was also realization that a full year has passed since I’ve felt the light of joy from within. A full year of deep healing, building up emotional endurance, experiencing ultimate weakness in the darkest of places, housed in a confused and cracked vessel.
In that moment joy showed its spirit, so much self-love and encouragement boiled up. Pride in self surfaced that I was even able to allow the spirit in my life again. I’ve found my way back home and this time it was without chasing the next thrill, without numbing the pain, and all through leaning in closer to self. Embracing the unwanted loneliness and emotional pain for all it is. Letting myself feel all the feels when my body wanted to run back to the familiar. I felt Joy even through all the pain.
It’s been a lonely and challenging year, to say the least, but I’ve still found a bit of grounding in what feels like the chaos of life. I’ve still returned home. This taste of joy wasn’t as long lasting as the initial joy I felt when it first showed up in my life. This time, the joy was short-lived, but I’m proud as hell to have found it again. Such a small taste with such a huge impact. I did it all by myself. Just like they teach you to celebrate tying your shoelaces, I’m celebrating this moment with the utmost childlike enthusiasm.
Take that, darkness. I’ve found the light and did so by leaning into me, blocking out the noise and taking the road less traveled. No need to brag about any of this, because my internal pride is so strong that I need no validation from the outside world. This is my life, my growth, my pride, my celebration, my joy…and that light it spreads to the world is contagiously unstoppable.
It may have taken over three decades for me to feel that deep-rooted joy the first time, but it took only one year to learn my way back home and experience it again. Recovery is a lifelong journey. High fives to my soul from the universe and thank you, joy, for showing up again. I celebrate this joy and all the other incredibly courageous beings tasting and relishing in its light. This is how it feels to heal, this is what it’s like to conquer the darkness and come out soul shine blazing.