I fully remember the moment I decided to fall in love with you and take the risk.
It wasn’t right away, it took a couple months. A couple months of a guarded self, testing the waters; knowing that when I decided to open my heart to you, that it would be fully, without reservations, wholehearted loving. I knew this kind of vulnerability invites the greatest risk of heartbreak, but also the greatest reward. Despite a few reservations and fear, I felt the risk was worth taking with you. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to open my heart to you had I not felt you had done the same with me. I felt the love from you; it’s what gave me courage and confidence to take the risk with you. I had to continually leave my expectations at the door because I know that steals joy. When I opened my heart to you, gave us the opportunity to experience great love, you built up walls in fear which was presented by the confusion you portrayed.
And now in this space of heartbreak, I feel like I’m going to vomit from the moment I wake up, all throughout the day and even when I wake in the middle of the night. My hair is falling out, I wake with my hands clenched, and the only thing that soothes my heart is the blessing from the universe of friends who reach out given a lead to spark a smile. Small moments of strength building. Liquid grapes help accompanying walks in nature while cranking the tunes in my ears. Practicing gratitude also helps even when my heart feels muddled. This is not my first heartbreak, although it feels like it.
In the midst of all the pain, I still do not regret one moment with you. Even with all the overpowering emotions, physical distraught, and feeling that my heart is literally injured; I still have complete trust in the universal energy of oneness.
One different thing about this heartbreak is the shift in love I gifted to you, now back to me. I feel a greater love for myself in all of this. I’m not looking for love, but I’m hoping for an extraordinary love.
I prioritize loving myself first before another, and not losing myself in a relationship ever again; I’m ready for healthy love, I’m ready for love that needs no validation from others, I’m ready for a rock me senseless love that comes easy and follows the flow of energy of both partners, I’m ready for something so great that it took this much work to prepare to receive it, I’m ready for my life to merge with another along parallel paths and not one path but two mutually benefiting, I’m ready for a love that obliterates social norm constructs and is EVERYTHING BUT NORMAL.
Letting go of us, of you, will make space for what I’m now ready to receive.
You may not have been ready for the same as I was, but I can only hope that we both receive extraordinary love one day. Although I have yet to experience such a love, I know it exists because life has given me small tastes of it in moments shared with the very few I have loved. It’s incredibly rare maybe because it takes so much strength, courage and determination to receive it. One must learn to never settle for anything less, stop searching, but always be open to receive it when the gift is ready to present itself. I have confidence that when I do receive it, I’ll be blown away. I can’t even prepare for what it will bring, but I trust that all these hurtful experiences, which don’t make sense to me, are preparing me for it.
Extraordinary love is not selfish, but also is; is a passion that will take my breath away with just a glance across the room from your stare…every time; a love that attracts like energies from community; a love of unlimited supply; an easy love that follows the flow of our one energy with each other and the world; a love that endures messy life, and has strength to tackle the issues; a mature, healthy, vulnerable, wholehearted love; an earth shattering celebratory love full of deep connection both emotionally and physically; a love that can overcome fear, relentlessly; a love worth celebrating and drowning ourselves in daily and often.
My life story will not scare you, but inspire you as yours will inspire me. There is no limited shortage of extraordinary love, it’s in infinite supply and we will both know and take advantage of that. Simply thinking of this extraordinary love brings me to smile as I write, even though I’m pulling through so much pain.
We are already connected by its light.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to heal, hurt and love vulnerable to myself and others while reminding myself that there is a reason I have this faith in an extraordinary love.
When our paths meet, a sonic blast will be felt throughout the earth and our lights will blaze with an energy that is world changing. I can’t wait for you to take my breath away. I know you are worth it. When our energies unite we will be an unstoppable force together, because we will inspire each other to be better people and shine brighter apart, because together will be so blazing, not many will be able to handle its heat. Cheers to you and all the heartbreaks, as they are worth every moment I will spend with you drenched in extraordinary love.