During the daytime I manage not to think about you at all. Not to utter your name. Not to wonder where you are or what you’re doing or if I ever cross your mind. But like clockwork, the sun drops below the horizon, my head hits the pillow, and there you are. Flooding my thoughts.
I can’t ignore you, can’t sleep you away. I can’t escape you. It’s like every memory, good and bad, washes over me. Encompasses me. Traps me. Suffocates me. Every question left unanswered. Everything I wish I knew. Everything I’ll never know. But I continue to hypothesize. To formulate answers that may never come close to reality. But maybe that’s how I’ll get my closure. Because I know I can’t get it from you.
Maybe I’ll never know why it ended. Maybe you got bored. Maybe you got scared. Maybe the switch simply got flipped to the off position. Maybe it was something I did. Something I said. Maybe it wasn’t me at all. Maybe you met someone else. Maybe it was all just you.
It’s been weeks since it ended. Weeks since you told me we should just be friends. Weeks since you avoided me like the plague at that one party. Weeks should be enough for me to get over it. How could I not be over it with the way it ended so abruptly? I should be angry. I should hate you. It should be easy to forget you. But it’s not. Why is it not?
It hurts to see you. To run into you on campus. To see you talk to other girls, whether they are simply friends or not. It hurts to hear your name. To talk to your friends about you. To listen to others talk about you. Hell, it really hurts to talk to you. To watch you squirm in my presence, looking for any excuse to leave. What did I do? You ended it. You said no. You said you want to be friends. I’m just trying to be friends. I just want to be friends. I just want to be friends…?
I don’t know if I’m still holding on because it seemed so right when it was good. I don’t know if I’m holding on because I don’t like to lose. I don’t know if it’s you that I want, or if you were just the most recent thing to cling to.
Because, although it was brief, when it was good, oh God, it was good. It’s rare for me to feel so comfortable with someone. So silly. So sarcastic. So…me. I loved that you could keep up. Dish it right back to me. Come up with a response even wittier than the last. You knew exactly how to make me laugh. But also how to be serious.
Maybe that was the problem. Maybe we fit so well that it was frightening. Better to jump out of the burning building than wither in the fire. Turn the gun before I could pull the trigger. Save yourself. Just in case. Maybe it got too serious too quickly. Maybe we moved too fast.
Or maybe I’m completely wrong. Maybe that’s wishful thinking. Maybe you got exactly what you wanted and didn’t need any more. Maybe you achieved your goal and that was it.
So many questions. So many answers. But the problem continues to magnify, as I lie awake at night. I may never know the truth, but I have to trust that time will heal. That things will get easier. That one day I’ll be able to see you and smile. Genuinely be glad to see you and wish you well. Wish you all the happiness in the world, without me. And truly mean it. Truly. One day.