I have known my best friend for 11 years. We are soulmates, destined to be in one another’s lives. We generally go through the same things at the same times, including breakups and new relationships. But there are definitely some rules for dating my best friend.
1. I know everything about her. I know her favorite colors, her favorite flowers, and I know about the embarrassing time she had an allergic reaction to sulfur in 8th grade… everything. If you stay on my good side, I can impart this knowledge onto you.
2. If you’re dating her, you’re also dating me… but with a twist. I will do whatever I can to find out if you’re good enough for her. I will ask you questions that she won’t because that’s how I am. I will watch your every move to see if you’re doing anything suspicious. She has me around you for a good reason, she wants my feedback. And I’ve never lied to her before, so I’m definitely not going to start for you.
3. She will tell me absolutely everything about you. From the size of your penis to the way you look sideways at her when you’re telling her a joke. You’re going to have to deal with the fact that I know more about you than you know about me. That’s just how that works.
4. If you decide that you’re going to marry her, you better have the marriage credentials. The “job, happiness, hilarity” trifecta. If you don’t have a job, you don’t make her happy, and you don’t make her laugh, you’re not getting anywhere.
5. If you cheat on her, expect a scene from John Tucker Must Die to happen to you. In my 11 years of being her best friend, and in the 6 that we’ve been doing serious dating, there’s never been a time when I’ve kept my mouth closed about cheating. I will hurt you with serious words. I will tell you everything that’s wrong with you and make your ego look like a deflated balloon/used condom.
6. If she loves you, if you actually make her happy, and if nothing seems off base about you… I will also be friends with you. There isn’t a single thing that I can think of that’s going to drag me away from her. She moved cross country and that still hasn’t broken us up. I expect our friendship from you like she expects you to ask her to dinner. I’ll be around, you might as well get used to it.
7. I will be there for her after you’re not anymore, or if you’re the lucky one that stays in her life… I will be there eating ice cream with her watching chick flicks on Thursday nights on your couch. I’m sorry if I’m wearing my sweatpants and she’s wearing hers and we’re crying and cuddling. That’s just us.
Good luck boys.