Walmart Announces Additional Strategies To Support the #MeToo Movement.

Mike Mozart

Recently, discount giant Walmart announced that it will no longer carry Cosmopolitan magazine. The retailer cited the #MeToo movement for its incentive, indicating that Cosmopolitan is too sexual to be safe for young women. Today, Walmart has announced additional strategies it will employ to do its part in combating sexual harassment. From the press release:


Rather than pushing irresponsible Spring 2018 crop-top trends, Walmart has secured exclusive rights to Slanket’s new line of full-body pastel linen outerwear.


As another innovative step for trendy juniors, Walmart has partnered with Kathy Ireland to design a chic line of fashion-forward chastity belts (complete with swallowable key).


Walmart will no longer display sexually charged movies such as Call Me By Your Name, Nocturnal Animals, and Coco. Instead, Walmart will feature Mel Gibson classics such as Braveheart, Hacksaw Ridge, and The Passion of the Christ. Walmart also reveals a thrilling, never-before-released directors’ cut of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.


On Tuesdays, all women who purchase home goods such as vacuum cleaners and microwave ovens will receive half-off on Walmart’s exclusive “Lady Defender” Smith & Wesson 9mm in cotton candy pink.


Walmart has taken steps to phase-out provocative beverages such as Skinny Girl wines, Zima, and Lime-A-Ritas. To meet increasing consumer demand for cutting-edge beverage choices, Walmart introduces exciting new (naturally non-alcoholic) sparkling juices, with such exciting flavors as Potato, Yam, and Meatloaf.


For our youngest customers, Walmart releases a brand new interactive Tomi Lahren action doll. When you press Tomi’s shoulder, she recites powerful phrases such as “I’m not a victim!” and “You can’t believe every woman!”


Finally, in the ultimate sacrifice for women’s safety, our women customers will receive, with verified purchase, male escorts to their parked cars after dusk. (No women will be allowed in-store after 8pm.) Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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