Get your Alt+130 command ready, because it’s rosé season! We’ve been waiting all winter, and it’s finally time to break out the pink stuff.
Rosé is the Boone’s of adult ladyhood. But now, instead of barfing it up in a fraternity party basement, you’ll barf it up in the comfort of your very own over-mortgaged home! Just because you are a grown-up now doesn’t mean you can’t throw on an inappropriately tight Urban Outfitters romper and one of those floppy hats that J-Lo made popular in the 90s and now millennials are wearing like it’s new or whatever. Rosé was MADE for rompers and floppy J-Lo Emma Watson hats. Maybe you can even scrounge up a pair of oversized vintage sunglasses.
So, nobody actually knows what rosé is. Most of us believe that it’s white wine with a little red wine mixed in. (Try it at home!) Occasionally, at fancy liquor stores, you can find rosé with bubbles, which is dapper as fuck.
Here are just a few things that rosé pairs nicely with:
- Cheese that spreads on crackers, like Boursin or brie or Velveeta
- No wait, porch at SUNSET
- Seasonally-colored M&Ms
- Judd Apatow comedies on Netflix
- Dave Matthews Band circa 1995
- Weed and maybe a little Vicodin
Rosé is the perfect excuse to throw a spring or summer girlparty. Here are some tips for throwing a top of the line rosé throwdown:
First, rosé is commonly drunk outdoors on patios, so consider having the party outside. (The key is to drink so much rosé that you don’t care about the indentations dug into the back of your thighs from cheap patio furniture and a romper that’s too small.)
Arrange your outdoor seating in a circle to maximize conversation. Not a formal circle, like an AA meeting, but a casual circle, like a kindergarten class. High-end patio furniture is obviously desirable, but you can substitute some cheap outdoor seating from your local drug store. During rosé season, Walgreens sells those fold-up chairs for around 10 bucks. Find them next to the styrofoam coolers, and battery-operated mini-fans. If on a tight budget, you can also steal some folding chairs from your local church basement.
Invite over your prettiest friends! Rosé is not for the ugly. (Note: Purchase your romper before inviting your friends. That way you can share a photo of your new romper in fake excitement but really just to ensure that none of them show up wearing the same romper for fuck’s sake.)
To set the ambiance at rosé-level chill, you need the right music. Appropriate music includes 1960s French pop, white girls singing reggae, or ballads written for Mandy Moore by Ryan Adams. The right conversation topics are critical. Some suggestions: Pomeranians, contouring, the mystery of missing elastic hair ties, your favorite V.C. Andrews books, the mainstream-ization of anal sex, and avocado toast.
At some point, whether the weather turns foul or your delicate skin has had enough sun, you may decide to take the rosé indoors for a movie night. Rompers may be disposed and swapped for yoga pants and feminist-themed t-shirts. Chenille blankets and chevron screen-printed pillows should be plentiful. Here are some good movie options for rosé movie night:
- Practical Magic (1998), starring a tawdry Nicole Kidman and pure-of-heart Sandra Bullock.
- Clueless (1995), creative brainchild of the incomparable Amy Heckerling. Clueless is always playing on basic cable and/or Netflix. It is possible to find Clueless 24/7, even in remote locations like sub-Saharan Africa or Naperville.
- Girls Just Want to Have Fun (1985). Bow down to a young Helen Hunt.
- Platoon (1986). (Hey, why not?)
As the night progresses, you may consider using rosé to make cocktails! Do your research, lest you end up like this author and just dump rosé and orange juice together. (Note: a 1:1 ratio of rosé and orange juice has a 70% probability of inducing barf.) A carefully crafted cocktail can really up the gossip ante of your party. A close friend and rosé master once crafted a cocktail of blush Franzia with rum-soaked melon balls. The cocktail matched her romper, and was the hit of the party. It is still being discussed at book clubs across northern Chicago.
If you want to have a really baller rosé party, you can create gift bags for your guests to take home. Just like the Oscars! Your gift bags should be full of delightful tidbits that are classy and not overly showy. A well-curated gift bag may include items like artisanal tea bags, essential oils, chocolate-covered espresso beans, Klonopin, and stick-on vajazzle rhinestones.
Enjoy while it lasts! Rosé season is fleeting and only lasts until August, when we transition to cider and decorative gourds. Make the most of the next 5ish months! It is your duty as a female person.