29 Thoughts Actually Going Through The Heads Of Rushees During Sorority Rush

1. We are ready to line up, I will glance in my pocket mirror and…SHIT. I over-plucked my eyebrows. Now I look like Tilda Swinton after a bender.

2. Ok, I’m prettier than that girl, I’m prettier than that girl…but I’m not prettier than those 4 girls so I better line up in front of them.

3. Wow this house looks like it barfed Pinterest.

4. And here they come. Singing down the stairs. They move like robots. Singing robots with Marc Jacobs perfume.

5. Seriously are all these girls related? My eyes are crossing.

6. I really don’t want to be a part of a house whose mascot is a turtle. Do any of the houses have mascots that are more punk rock? Red-headed vultures or Bengal tigers?

7. I’m not classically pretty enough for this house. How are those their real eyelashes?

8. They’re all wearing A-lines. I thought this was pencil skirt night. I’m fucked.

9. Does she have Vaseline on her teeth? She must have Vaseline on her teeth. God her teeth are shiny.

10. It probably wouldn’t make a good first impression to ask this girl for some Neosporin for my poor blistered feet.

11. What’s her name? Aimee? Carly? So many Carlys….

12. Oh good, my self-tanner is rubbing off on my white skirt. It looks like a baby shat on me.

13. Damn, I said “rush.” We’re not supposed to call it that. “Recruitment.” This broad is giving me the side-eye now.

14. Does this girl hate me or does she just have chronic bitch-face?

15. I can tell they don’t like my short hair in this house. They all have Kardashian hair. It’s called a “PIXIE CUT,” you clones. Emma fucking Watson did it!

16. I wonder how many of these girls bleach their buttholes.

17. Ok, it’s probably a bad sign that this girl won’t look me in the eye. Can she tell I’m thinking about her butthole?

18. Wait I finally got this girl to smile at me! Don’t switch them now! I can’t impress anyone else.

19. I have seen 2 black women all night. Where are the women of color? Are mainstream Greeks white supremacists?

20. My cheeks hurt from artificial smiling.

21. Oh thank god they are passing out cookies. I am visibly drooling.

22. This cookie is disgusting. Damn these gluten-free vegan cookies at every fricking house.  One more and I will lose it and spit it across the room.

23. I need to stop talking about the Clash. Let’s talk about Kate Spade – she’s a pop singer right?

24. Every single girl I’ve met is a psychology, education, or theater major. Where are the engineers and biologists? Oh right, studying.

25. I don’t understand why we aren’t allowed to talk about boys. I bet you would like me more if I could talk about my blow job skills, and how these skills would enhance the house portfolio.

26. Another giant diamond ring. Is this a sorority house or a mail-order bride training center?

27. My wit is completely depleted. I will just nod numbly as she tells me about her summer internship at The Limited corporate office..

28. This girl with braces and a bad weave is totally my rush crush. Thank you for being human.

29. That girl winked at me! Are they allowed to wink? Does that mean something in code? Will I get invited back? Or will she self-destruct?