Why am I still single?
A lot of people have been asking me these questions that make me wonder; if not, cringe: “Do you have a boyfriend? How come you’re still single?”
With a sheepish grin and flushed cheeks, I always answer that I don’t have the time to look for one. But whenever I stop and stare, I ask myself why. Why am I single? Why I am not even bothered with it? Is there something wrong with me? After all that pondering, I came with every reason possible:
It’s a conscious choice for me to be single. When I was a kid, it became a decision for me not to be with anyone else. I could foresee me dying alone. So I said to my mom that I am not going to get married. Worry written all over her face, she told me not to say that (she thought that I might be a lesbian, which I am not. I’m just bi-curious). Since then, that decision became intact to me. Plus, it’s a pact that I made. I will give myself to the right person at the right time. Chances may be sublime, but it’s a total risk.
Commitment. To be honest, I’m not that scared of commitment. Sure it’s a risky choice, but I’m down for it. I am all in when it comes with a few things, especially with relationships. What I’m always scared of is the person who I will be committing myself to. I’m scared of what that person could do to me once I commit myself to him. I don’t know if it’s normal, but it’s that part of commitment I’m afraid of.
Heartbreak. Heartbreak had caused me to build a sturdier wall between me and anyone else. It all started when I was in College. I was friends with this guy. When I finished College (he was a little behind), I finally decided to give him a try. Before giving him a try, I knew that he had a girlfriend. Little I did know, I was his rebound. It tore my heart apart and I ended up asking so many questions. Why did he lead me on? What caused him to do this? Why did I become such a fool?
The questions went on and on. Years later, I moved on, starting to open up again. I started to become happy again. Then, the unexpected happened. He came back out of nowhere. He was telling me how much he missed me. Agonized, I needed to find a way for me to clarify everything up. I needed closure. So I confronted him, asking him what he wanted from me. I figured that he only wanted one thing from me (three letters, one word, everyone does it even without emotions involved). I, on the other hand, refused to give it to him. He was being disrespectful about my needs. So why should I bother giving it to him? I decided to end everything with him, and yes, friendship included. The worst part, he was my first love.
There you have it. These are my honest reasons why I’m single. Do I still believe in love? Yes, I still do. But I’ll just let things be.
If it’s meant for me, then it will happen. I still keep my hopes up regardless these reasons. I would like to find a man who will break these reasons and turn it into something good.
Someday, it will happen. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon enough, when I’m ready, love will come to me when I least expect it.