God Bless Instagram. I mean really, how else would people know what you ate for dinner, what your outfit of the day was AND how you’re a professional photographer taking pictures of the sunset all in one app! It truly is a miracle! First off let me say I actually really like Instagram. I think it’s a really cool way of expressing yourself and I like keeping tabs on all the Teen Mom’s and the entire cast of Vanderpump Rules. But there are always the stupid fucking people that post the most obnoxious shit. Everyone is guilty of posting lame shit but some do it more than others. So from this post, I expect to lose many followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook because that seems to be the growing trend. Which I am totally ok with because if you are offended by what I say, than you probably suck and I am glad to not be “friends” with you anymore.
The main problem I have with Instagram is the need to post pointless shit. Everyday I scroll threw Instagram and I see girls and guys posting with the stupidest crap. Like “Me and my new airhorn!” Like that’s great bitch, I am so happy for you and your new airhorn but it’s a fucking airhorn. It is used to alert people preferably on boats or in the wild. It does not need to be documented.
Here are some other reasons why the human race is slowly turning Instagram into a shitty app.
First, have you EVER seen this hashtag written by a girl that has a boyfriend? No. Because she’s a terrible human being. Last time I checked, wifey material isn’t boiling water, throwing spaghetti in it and microwaving Prego. The only thing that will ever make you wifey material is giving your boyfriend at least one blowjob a week and having sex 5+ times a week. THAT makes you wifey material. I would love to see that on Instagram, that would make that hashtag remotely interesting.
Unless you are posting a picture of a deep fried burrito or the Mac and Cheese at The Attic that they top with flaming Hot Cheetos, then it is NOT food porn. Last time I checked, your watermelon, feta and arugula salad is not food porn. That’s like the equivalent of the “Female Friendly” tab on PorrnHub.com. If you’re going to hashtag #FoodPorn, it better be the equivalent of a gang bang or DP on Porn Hub.
3. Hot Dog Legs
I get it. We live in Southern California where we can post pictures in January of us laying out by the pool. But ENOUGH with the hot dog leg pics. It’s gross and unless you’re naked, no one wants to see just a picture of your legs. This also goes with bath tub shots as well. I consider bath’s disgusting anyway because you are just sitting in a pool of your own filth. Thanks for showing the Instagram community that you wade around in your own dirt. Personally for me I just get bored sitting there. Unless I am watching reruns of Game Of Thrones on my phone and I have a bottle of wine, I am more bored than girls who don’t masturbate regularly.
4. Overzealous Couples
Much of you have already read my entire blog post about how much I hate couples, but there really isn’t anything worse than overzealous instagram couples. Please I would LOVE to know why you think people care that your boyfriend bought you flowers? I get you are trying to make everyone see what a great man he is, but who are you really trying to convince here? I am a firm believer in the more things you post about your relationship, the more insecure you are about it. The more you have to show the world how happy you are, it seems like you are just trying to convince yourself how happy you are. And for that, nobody cares.
And yes, you can quote me on this word. Hashtaggery. Like really, how long did it take you write out 59 hashtags? I can think of SO many other things I would want to do with my time. Like eat pizza. Or play with my dog. Or watch porn. Or watch paint dry. Because all of those sound 10x more interesting than reading your countless hashtags to get followers. People who commit hashtaggery are so obnoxious because they are just trying to gain followers. News flash, having a lot of followers doesn’t make you a better person. It makes you an insecure bitch who has to post selfies with a song lyric or inspirational quote that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the picture. I admit it, I post selfies. All women do but you are only allowed 2-3 a month. And that is all or else you are just self-centered and need random strangers to make you feel better. Pass.
EVERYONE knows my hatred for posting food on Instagram. But damn you Instagram one upping me and shit. Because now you can video your process of cooking your food! Thank god. I am so pleased you recorded putting EVOO in a pan for 3 seconds, then recorded you putting bell peppers in the pan for 3 seconds, then recording you putting in the chic….OH MY GOD I AM ALREADY BORING MYSELF. Like fuck off with that. My 3 year old nephew could do that and it still wouldn’t be impressive or interesting. Nothing is impressive about putting ingredients in a pan. NOTHING. So cut it the fuck out. And I can’t fucking eat it. So it makes me hungry. It’s like watching Food Network when you’re really high and basically useless at this point
Obviously a lot of things irritate me on Instagram, but those are definitely the worst. A few more include:
- A picture of your nails with the color of Essie nail polish you used. Nasty, Hands and feet are just gross.
- An artsy fartsy view of the park. Usually off center to make it seem more interesting when in reality its the same fucking picture and you’re dumb.
- A selfie at the gym. We get it. You want everyone to see you’re at the gym. Then be skinny already.
- A collection of all your meds because you’re sick. If i wanted to see DayQuil, Mucinex, Theraflu in the same place. I’d fucking to go CVS. So just spare me.
- A mirror selfie of you smiling at your iPhone. Look at me you idiot.
- An empty plate. Congrats! You just finished The Couch at The PotHolder, you’re now fucking disgusting!
- Instagram Messaging. Like now its more acceptable to meet people off Instagram because you can privately message each other. Sorry Instagram, MySpace had you beat by like 10 years.
- Throwback Thursday. The worst. And it doesn’t count if its from a fucking week ago. Stop that right now.
- No filter. Wow congratulations to you for actually being yourself! But filters are there for a reason. And the reason is you’re ugly and should use them. So…you’re welcome.
All I ask, and I am sure others would like to ask too, is just think of what you’re posting. Like WHY am I posting this picture of a pizza at 5 am? Just consider other peoples feelings. For once.