1. Laughing out loud with your significant other over the velocity with which your baby is capable of shooting poop from its butt.
2. Actually pausing to measure the distance the “volcano poo” traveled from the changing table to the floor.
3. Getting peed, pooped, or vomited on—and not getting THAT mad about it.
4. Listening to your baby expel a massive liquidy fart immediately after changing their diaper.
5. And then watching in disbelief as they smile wide, like it’s nbd that you have to wipe their genitals, pat them dry, apply the cream, and fasten the diaper all over again.
6. Getting caught in the line of poo fire right as you move to position clean diaper number 5,348 of the day onto their tiny body.
7. Calculating just how bad of a mom you’d be for waiting just a LITTLE bit longer to change that ridiculously full diaper.
8. Wondering how bad of a mom you’d be for waiting just a LITTLE bit longer to address your baby’s desperate cries in the middle of the night.
9. Asking your child what the hell you’ve done to deserve their wails, fully aware that they’re incapable of formulating a response other than continuing to cry and/or drooling a little.
10. Wondering if there’s something seriously wrong with your baby because they just won’t stop fussing.
11. And then Googling yourself down a terrifying rabbit hole of possible diagnoses for the “symptoms” your baby is exhibiting (namely, “won’t stop crying”).
12. Catching yourself singing some horribly embarrassing tune you’ve concocted in the moment in an attempt to amuse—and, more importantly, quiet—your child.
13. Realizing that it’s 4pm and you’ve totally forgotten to eat lunch because you’re that busy tending to another human’s needs.
14. Wondering wtf happened to all that “me time” you once squandered.
15. Until your daydream is cut short by yet another teeny tiny human demand.
16. Making a meal out of the strangest combination of foods in your fridge because you really don’t have time for things like grocery shopping anymore.
17. Deciding that YES YOU CAN go one more day without washing your hair because there’s really no amount of grease a braid can’t fix.
18. Deciding that it doesn’t actually matter if your nail polish is disastrously chipped as you head out the door.
19. And that catching up on unanswered emails, texts and phone calls can certainly wait a few more months.
20. Noticing that you’ve put an item of clothing on backwards or inside out. And then quickly disregarding the idea of fixing your sartorial flub before leaving the house.
21. Feeling intense resentment followed by a wave of intense fondness for the creature that wakes you at 3am by screeching in the middle of your REM cycle.
22. Taking a walk at some ungodly hour like midnight or 4am just to soothe your baby and get out of the house.
23. Cursing the person who suggests you just “sleep when your baby sleeps,” as if it’s possible to fall asleep on command at noon after downing several cups of coffee to wake up that morning.
24. Staring down any stranger who dares cough, sneeze, or wipe their nose in the vicinity of your newborn.
25. Waking up wondering what happened last night—not because you were drunk, but because you’re so exhausted you actually can’t remember.