35 Frantic Texts I’ve Sent My ‘Mom Friends’ Since I Got Pregnant
1. “Is it me, or is sobriety insanely boring?”
2. “NOTHING FITS ME AND I’M ONLY 6 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!”
3. “Craving Hostess products like they’re the answer to EVERYTHING. Unsure how long I can hold out…”
4. “What does my fetus want with a Ho Ho anyway???”
5. “Holy shit BOOBS. Is this normal? Sending pic…”
6. “If only my gigantic breasts didn’t hurt so much to the touch, maybe I could actually enjoy them. Thanks again, Mo’ Nature!”
7. “Holy crap—I haven’t known a zit like this since 1995!”
8. “How do I make my face stop breaking out???”
9. “And my butt! My butt!!!”
10. “Just realized I won’t even be able to see my pubic hair a couple months from now, let alone muster the energy to groom it.”
11. “Not getting my period for 9 straight months…awesome. The steady stream of other stuff coming of my vagina…not so awesome.”
12. “Is it weird if I start an Instagram account for my unborn child?”
13. “Kinda want a boy, just so I can say ‘I’ve got balls—literally’!”
14. “Am I really gonna grow hair in weird places? I keep looking for it…”
15. “My eyeballs hurt. WHY?”
16. “There are tiny bumps on both my elbows! They itch! HELP!”
17. “Wondering how people with naturally large breasts deal with the constant jiggling sensation…”
18. “Isn’t it confounding how relatively useless men are to the continuation of the human race???”
19. “Seriously, what women go through is truly ridiculous. Meanwhile, men just walk around with their penises dangling between their legs…”
20. “I have SO MANY body image issues right now.”
21. “I haven’t felt this unsexy since puberty…or that time in the eighth grade when I realized I was probably the last person in the entire middle school to get to second base.”
22. “When people ask me how I feel, I just want to say ‘fat’ and be done with it.”
24. “Fact: I am vain. But I didn’t really realize just HOW vain until this parasite started growing inside me, messing with my body along the way.”
25. “Where the fuck is my magical second trimester boost in energy???? WHERE?!!!”
26. “QQ: Did pregnant sex sting for you at all? Thank the good lord for coconut oil, right?””
27. “The gym seems like a really dumb idea to me rn.”
28. “What’s the appropriate thing to do when a stranger touches your belly (other than punch them in the throat)?”
29. “What if my baby’s ugly? Seriously? I DON’T WANT AN UGLY BABY!!”
30. “I miss drugs.”
31. “How much weight did you gain? Woke up feeling particularly plump. NOT happy about it. Grrrrrrr. ”
32. “Exactly how long will it take to get my body back post birth? Be precise, please…”
33. “What if my boobs get all saggy after they shrink back down to their normal size? Is my baby going to EAT my boobs???”
34. “Please remind me that the final product is worthwhile…”
35. “I would give ANYTHING to sleep on my stomach again.”