1. It’s really too bad your dick isn’t anywhere near as big as your head.
2. Remember all those amazing times we had? Me neither.
3. The best part about sleeping with you is knowing that it can only get better from here.
4. You’re, like, the best argument for abortion ever.
5. On behalf of vaginas everywhere: No, that’s not where it is.
6. Thought of you earlier—thanks so much for the reminder to take out the trash!
7. Were you born like this, or did you have to study to become such a spectacular asshole?
8. Thanks for all the practice faking orgasms!
9. Congrats—you have a dick. Doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
10. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make sure one of them’s nice to look at.
11. Your head is so full of air, I worry you’ll put balloons out of business.
12. Remember when I said I cared? I lied.
13. Remember when I said it was bigger than average? Lied again.
14. Don’t worry. I hear penis pump technology’s getting better by the day.
15. I just wish the sex had been good enough to justify the mistake I clearly made.
16. By the way, I’d love to interview your parents about how to overcome making a major life mistake.
17. You realize Halloween isn’t until October, right? You can take the fucking mask off for now.
18. Anyone ever tell you how adorable it is when you talk about things you clearly don’t understand?
19. I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve got so many already.
20. It’s not that you’re stupid. You just have really bad luck at thinking.
21. Sex with you is like fast food. It seems like a good idea until you realize the little pleasure you get from it is really short lived.
22. If laughter’s the best medicine, your face could probably cure every disease in the world.
23. I’m guessing your mom cries herself to sleep most nights.
24. I’d smack you, but you’re just not worth the effort.
25. Whatever makes you an idiot works REALLY well. I’d stockpile that stuff.
26. If I were you I’d sue my parents. It’s just not right that you exist.
27. I’ve seen your type before, but I had to pay admission.
28. You’re such an intelligent, amazing, handsome guy. Kidding!
29. I can’t stop thinking about you—every time I pass by a dumpster, a sewer, a gutter, a piece of roadkill…
30. Anyone ever tell you how much your dick reminds them of Tiny Tim?
31. I’m sorry, was I meant to be offended? The only thing that really irks me is your face.
32. Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons, and electrons. Not sure why they always forget to mention all the morons.
33. I love to shop, but you couldn’t pay me to buy the bullshit you’re selling.
34. How does it feel, knowing that you’re destined to disappointment every single woman you ever manage to bed?
35. Unfortunately for you, most girls will only forgive stupidity if you’re good bed too.