10 Things You Think Your Boyfriend Is Lying To You About (And He Actually Is)

Twenty20, BrigitteStanford
Twenty20, BrigitteStanford

1. How terrified he is of marriage.

It doesn’t matter how strong your relationship is, or how deeply connected you are as a couple. To your boyfriend, the idea of promising forever is right up there with the thought of stabbing his eyeballs out with sharp pins, or self castration. That doesn’t mean he’ll never propose. Men are more vulnerable to societal pressures than they’d like to admit, and society says that Happily Ever After comes at the cost of an engagement and a wedding. But let’s be clear: Your boyfriend cum fiancé will walk down that aisle in a state or terror no matter how in love with you he is.

2. The number of women who turn him on in a given day (who aren’t you).

Guess what? Men get turned on a lot—as they walk down the street, as they ride the bus, as they sit at their desks, etc. They get aroused by your best friends and total strangers alike. A boob is a boob, right? But don’t expect them to be forthright about this. When you catch your boyfriend checking someone else out and decide to ask, poutily, whether he’s turned on by the other’s girl’s firm ass and/or perky tits, he’s going to give you the emphatic “no” you so covet. But what he means by “no” is: YES!

3. Just how badly he wants to have a threesome.

Your boyfriend really wants to have a threesome with you and another woman. If you’ve already had one, he wants to do it again. Guys love feeling like they’re being worshipped in bed, and the only thing better than one woman’s naked body to set the cock-hungry mood is two sets of limbs. Entangled in all those arms and legs, he gets to feel like Hercules. He might claim to be sexually satisfied by your regular, one-on-one sex life, but that would be a lie. Secretly, he’s pining for a third party to join the fun once in awhile.

4. The number of people he’s slept with.

It’s a well-known fact that dudes are likely to lie about the number of women they’ve banged. Why? Because if they tell the truth and the number’s deemed too high, they’ll get the stink eye. On the other hand, if they reveal a number that’s considered too low, they risk seeming less desirable. Far better to stay in the safe zone, which means they’ll feel you out a bit before settling on the magic number that falls exactly within the bounds of acceptability to you.

5. How often he masturbates.

Starting from a young age, men are programmed to masturbate on the sly because they want to do it so often that they have to sneak away from day-to-day life to meet their own raging desires. As teenagers, they masturbate stealthily in their bedrooms, in the shower, behind bleachers, and in parked cars. Those habits stick. It doesn’t matter how often you’re fucking your boyfriend. He’s definitely still masturbating regularly too, but he probably won’t tell you just how often for fear of making you feel inadequate.

6. What he thinks about while masturbating.

Even if your boyfriend does admit to masturbating now and then, he’s bound to tack a little disclaimer onto his confession: “Don’t worry—I was thinking about you the entire time,” he might say. Chances are, however, that he rarely thinks of you while tugging the ol’ one-eyed snake. Masturbating is a time for fantasizing, and fantasies enable men to fuck models and celebrity crushes or the hot girl at work they’re flirting with behind your back.

7. The type of porn he likes.

If your boyfriend is honest about watching porn (trust me, he does), he’s probably still lying his face off about the type of porn he likes. Ask him to show you a clip and he’ll pick something totally innocuous, like a video of a hetero couple doing it doggy style. The truth is, your boyfriend watches some pretty fucked up shit sometimes. Why? Because it’s available—for free, no less—all across the internet, so he can.

8. What he thinks about during sex with you.

When you ask your boyfriend what he thinks about while making love to you, don’t expect him to answer honestly. He’s going to tell you exactly what you need to hear, which is that he was obviously thinking about you and your hot body. Don’t be fooled. It’s just as likely that he was thinking about his ex’s badass bod, or some sex scene from a movie you recently watched together.

9. How he feels about strip clubs.

Even if your boyfriend doesn’t frequent topless bars, it’s a pretty safe bet that he likes them (and the lap dances that go with them)—not just a little, but a lot. It’s also highly likely that he’s patronized more than a few strip clubs in his day and spent an exorbitant amount of money during each motorboating festival. Since none of this is information will enhance your relationship or your opinion of him as a quality human, however, none of it will be shared. Instead, your boyfriend will continue to deny or at least downplay his fondness for those places where naked women willingly shove their tits in his face all night long.

10. How wasted he got when he went out with the boys.

Guys just love to get drunk and act stupid together. If your boyfriend goes out with “the boys,” expect him to be insanely hungover (and maybe a little bruised) the following day. Ask all the questions you want about what went down, but don’t trust the timeline of events provided. And if you bother asking how many drinks or drugs he consumed while partying with his buddies, don’t expect an accurate estimate. I promise that he’ll slash that startling number in half, if only to avoid your judgmental sighs and lectures rooted in “serious concern.” TC mark

Mélanie Berliet

I adore the following, in no particular order: knee-high tube socks, acrostic poetry, and my little brother. Click here to learn more!

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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