1. They’ll spill something on you at a really bad time, like when you’re late for work or just not in a that’s-okay-honey-bear! mindset.
2. They’ll do a shit job of cleaning up after they break something and you’ll pay the price exactly three days later, when you step on a tiny shard of glass that makes you gush vats of blood and proves impossible to excavate.
3. They’ll tell you that you said or did something that you definitely didn’t say or do. And no matter how much counter evidence you provide, they won’t budge from their rickety, that’s-what-happened-sweetie! pedestal.
4. They will stubbornly refuse to believe you about something related to a topic that falls within your area of expertise.
5. They’ll remember a joint experience incorrectly but insist that they’re right so emphatically that you’ll question your sanity a little.
6. They’ll fail to remember a moment from your history as a couple that you’ve long considered important. As you pile on the descriptive details in a desperate attempt to trigger an aha! in your best friend slash lover, they’ll look back at you with a blank face, rendering that oh-so-special moment totally meaningless.
7. They’ll wake up in an amazing mood on a day you’re feeling meh for whatever reason, which will make wallowing in your sad face state of mind that much ickier.
8. They’ll ask you to fetch something that’s obviously closer to wherever they’re situated at the time.
9. They’ll insist on showing you how yellow or green their snot is when you’re not at all in the mood to stomach gross stuff.
10. They will fail to laugh at a joke you find hilarious, thereby robbing you of anticipated glory.
11. They’ll take a super long, steamy shower when you’re desperate to get on with your own grooming routine.
12. They’ll finish the milk right before you can pour a smidge into your morning coffee.
13. They’ll buy the wrong brand of toilet paper or tampons or body lotion or some other product you’re VERY particular about for good reason.
14. They’ll reveal something to your friends or family that you’ve told them a million times over to keep secret.
15. They’ll hate an outfit you genuinely love. You won’t change clothes, but you will feel less joy wearing them.
16. They’ll ask you to throw something out that you treasure, like a piece of artwork you purchased before getting together or a teddy bear you’re not quite ready to part with.
17. They’ll spend money on something you definitely don’t want or need and the item will only be returnable for store credit.
18. They’ll suggest going to a movie that ends up sucking.
19. They’ll think you’re angry when you’re definitely not and then try to make you happy but their well-intentioned overtures will be super annoying and, ironically, angering.
20. They’ll embarrass you, by accident or not, at a time when you’re not at all in the mood to be humiliated.
21. They’ll take credit for something you’re definitely responsible for.
22. They’ll fail to read your save-me-from-crazy signals at a party, leaving you to suffer in the company of someone dreadful.
23. They’ll think they’ve won an argument they definitely didn’t win and their false sense of satisfaction will irk you more than whatever caused you to fight in the first place.
24. Their selective hearing will kick in at the least opportune time, like when you shout a critical request as you rush out the door. Or they’ll mishear you at a time when every single syllable of instructions is absolutely critical.
25. Worse yet, they’ll hear you but totally misconstrue the meaning behind your words and they’ll be confused, hurt, or mad as hell as a result. Then you’ll have to explain yourself a bazillion times over until they finally get it. Or at least stop caring.