1. You routinely justify premature exits by explaining that you have a super early meeting the following day, but it’s really only true roughly two percent of the time.
2. You’ve mastered the art of the Irish good-bye or the Houdini maneuver, wherein you duck out of a social gathering without saying good-bye to anyone, not even your host. You stopped feeling an ounce of guilt about doing this years ago.
3. You’ve joked that you’ll probably Houdini from your own wedding one day, but it really wasn’t a joke because you can actually see yourself doing that.
4. You would so much rather meet up for early evening drinks than dinner because most people think dinner should be eaten at like 8pm, which means you wouldn’t get home until 10pm, which isn’t at all conducive to retiring at a reasonable hour.
5. You’ve been known to dine as early as 5pm if the mood strikes because, fuck it, you’re a grownup and you can do whatever you want. Still, you’re kind of excited to get old because senior citizens get to hit up the early bird special and snuggle up in bed circa 8pm without facing any judgment.
6. The morning hours when you’re awake before everyone else and no one bugs you via text or email make missing out on nighttime activities totally worthwhile.
7. In fact, you really don’t get the whole FOMO thing. JOMO (the joy of missing out) makes exponential more sense to you.
8. You’re seriously in awe of “night owls” who tend to stay up until midnight or later. Same goes for those who can function on five hours of sleep or less, which seems like a supernatural talent.
9. New Year’s Eve is your least favorite holiday.
10. Sleep deprivation is your personal hell. You are a dumb, irritable shell of yourself when you don’t get seven to eight hours a night.
11. There are very few things you’re willing to sacrifice a few hours of sleep for because sleep equals sanity and you shouldn’t have to compromise your mental health for anything.
12. For instance, you really don’t understand why anyone would stay up just to finish watching a movie or a TV show, no matter how compelling the narrative. Those things don’t vanish overnight and you’re totally happy waiting a day or so to find out what happens next.
13. Ditto for awards show. Why push yourself when you can enjoy the red carpet and the opening act, tuck yourself into bed, and review the list of winners first thing in the morning?
14. Bartending, medicine, and comedy were never viable career options for you. Day drinking and “darties,” on the other hand, are things you’re definitely cut out for.
15. Sex is just as awesome at 7pm as it is at 11pm, so why wait to get busy? Plus, there’s always morning sex.
16. Sometimes, you get upset that time is moving too slowly because you’re desperate to go to bed but it’s a little TOO early so you watch some TV but constantly check the clock until it’s finally the 8’s.
17. Your friends are well aware of your tendency to turn into a pumpkin at a ridiculously early hour. Some are more understanding than others.
18. You wake up with serious anxiety on the days you’re obligated to attend an event that will likely keep you up past your bedtime.
19. Rallying for an event that qualifies as an exception to your no-parties-starting-after-9pm rule (your best friend’s birthday, say, or a work related soirée) requires an afternoon nap and/or several shots of espresso or a line of cocaine if that’s your thing.