1. What the fuck was I thinking dating this rambling angry jerk in the first place?
2. This asshole doesn’t deserve to love me, let alone build a life with me.
3. I can’t have kids that would be fifty percent pathetic. Ew.
4. At least I’m getting a glimpse of who I’m really with before things got any more serious.
5. I wonder what my ex is up to. Maybe they were a better match for me after all.
6. I would so much rather be single than deal with this shit.
7. This is NOT the kind of person I want to grow old with.
8. Wouldn’t it be nice if people had off buttons?
9. It’s too bad for them that I’m the best they could ever do.
10. It’s like they don’t even get how much value I add. Idiot.
11. Losing me would ruin them.
12. I wonder how long it would take for them to beg me to get back together.
13. The idea of sex with someone else sounds really fucking good right about now. There’s definitely an upside to breaking up. Can’t forget that.
14. I don’t actually think it would take me that long to get over this shitty relationship and move on anyway.
15. Sayonara, sucker!
16. If there’s no such thing as ‘the one,’ might as well find another.
17. I could really do so much better than this shithead.
18. There are so many attractive, smart, successful people out there. Why waste another minute in this hellish excuse for a relationship?
19. I’ll be the master of Tinder in no time.
20. Maybe they’ll appreciate me more once they see how many people are scrambling to date me.
21. I can just see them, sitting at their computer after we break up, weeping as they cyberstalk the shit out of me.
22. If it comes to it, at least I’ve got a million sexts I can blackmail them with.
23. The only way I’m staying is if they shut the fuck up RIGHT NOW.