15 Hilariously Honest Comments From New Parents About What It’s Really Like To Have Kids

1. “The difference between now (my daughter’s six months old) and the first three months is that there are slightly fewer moments when I want to kill myself.”

— Ruby, 26

2. “My wife and I used to have sex. That’s all I have to say about being a new dad.”

— Dan, 30

3. “I was not one of those women who fell in love with her baby immediately after giving birth, so I resent that whole trope about not knowing what love really is until the minute you’re cradling your infant. My daughter’s eighteen months old now and I love her like crazy, but it took me time to grow into my role as a mom. Don’t expect the gooey mess that emerges from your vagina to win you over right away.”

— Stacey, 31

4.“First, children ruin your relationship. Then they ruin your entire life. They’re ruthless little soul-sucking fuckers. But you love them anyway.”

— Kevin, 34

5. “I love being a mom, but I also love having full-time help. I’d lose my mind if I had to do it all by myself. I realize I sound totally jaded here, but how the hell do people do it???”

— Lauren, 37

6.“I wanted more than one kid—until I had one.”

— Nate, 28

7. “I’m tired of people glorifying pregnancy and parenthood. It sucks, okay? Being pregnant is terrible, and having a newborn isn’t all that wonderful, either. It’s exhausting and you look awful and feel awful and your baby is this non-speaking creature that just poops and sleeps and demands your attention. And yet, in my heart I want another one. That’s the weird thing about being human, I guess. We’re made to reproduce.”

— Kirsten, 28

8.“My kid is almost two now and her mom and I are divorced. I never thought I’d be grateful to be a divorced guy, but joint custody is a life saver. I don’t know what I’d do without my regular no-kid time, and my ex feels the same.”

— Preston, 27

9.“Kids are idiots. It’s not they’re fault, but they’re dumb as fuck. I get so frustrated with the constant questioning from my five-year-old. But then she’ll say something that’s so stupid but also endearing and I want to cry with happiness because I love her so damn much. The other day, for instance, she asked whether my sweet tooth was on the top or bottom of my mouth. That killed me.”

— Erik, 33

10. “I thought it was going to be really traumatic to leave my baby behind for the first time but we went on vacation as a couple two months after our little girl was born and it was AMAZING. It wasn’t hard to be away from her at all, probably because we desperately needed some time to ourselves. You have to remember that you’re a better parent when your needs are being met too.”

— Olivia, 25

11. “I think it’s hilarious when my son cries. He looks so funny with his face all squished and contorted. I laugh out loud every single time. It’s not like he’s actually in any sort of trouble. He cries because he shits his pants and he looks ridiculous. If you can’t laugh at a crying baby, good luck with parenthood, man.”

— Jake, 32

12. “The best part about having young kids is using them as an excuse to get out of stuff you don’t want to do at the last minute. I’ve been exploiting my twins to avoid bridal showers and after-work happy hours since the day they were scooped out of my uterus eight months ago and I don’t intend to stop until they’re old enough to rat me out accidentally.”

— Natasha, 29

13.“I’m convinced my IQ has dropped several points since becoming a mom. Talking to toddlers for hours on end will do it to you. If I have to speak to my three-year-old for one more minute today, I might just go brain dead.”

— Bettina, 27

14.“There’s not much for the man to do at first. I feel totally left out while my wife breast feeds. It’s a lot easier for the woman to connect in the beginning, that’s for sure. So far, fatherhood is weird and boring.”

— Michael, 27

15. “Everyone starts off saying they’re never going to stick their kid in front of the TV or ipad because too much screen time is detrimental to brain development or whatever. Guess what? Screens are a mother’s BEST friend sometimes.”

— Violet, 31