1. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
2. Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
3. How are men like parking spaces?
All the good ones are taken, and the ones leftover are disabled.
4. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
5. What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
6. What do you call a man who won’t go down on you?
7. What should you do if your man walks out?
Shut the door and celebrate.
8. What do you call a woman with PMS and ESP?
A bitch who really does know everything.
9. What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
10. How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
11. What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
12. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It’s not the lightbulb that needs changing.
13. PMS jokes are funny.
14. How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
15. Why did God make Adam before Eve?
Everyone needs a rough draft before they make the final copy.
16. Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
17. What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
18. What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
19. Why shouldn’t you trust a man who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other shit, too.
20. Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
21. What does one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Same time next month?
22. Why does the average woman reportedly want beauty more than brains?
Because the average man can see so much better than he thinks.
23. If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
24. I’ve received hundred of responses to my ad seeking a husband, and they all say the exact same thing:
“Take mine, please.”
25. What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
26. You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
27. How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
28. How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
29. Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
30. “Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
— Tina Fey