1. The only thing worse than realizing that you’re being pissy because you’re PMSing or mid-period is being told by the man you love in an obnoxiously understanding tone that you “might be overreacting because it’s that time of month.”
2. When we tell you we’re feeling bloated, you’re better off saying nothing.
3. If you dare confirm the bloating, we might just cry because only a cruel man would tell a suffering woman that she’s worthless, fat, and unsexy.
4. On the other hand, if you try to deny the bloating, we’ll know you’re an untrustworthy liar.
5. You may be blamed for the fact that your biology alone—an accident of genetics, really—spares you from suffering the bloody indignity of a monthly period.
6. And the fact that there is no birth control pill for men to swallow every single day of their lives, so the burden of contraception falls entirely on women.
7. Not to mention the responsibilities of pregnancy, giving birth, and the continuation of the human race!
8. When we hypothesize that Mother Nature must have imbued women with the ability to have babies because females have a much higher threshold for pain than males, agree with us readily and enthusiastically—but not too enthusiastically.
9. Due to the injustice of the natural order of things (and to our superior tolerance for pain), it’s reasonable that you should defer to us on all television watching and dining decisions for the time being.
10. But only without making us feel as if we need any special attention or favors.
11. We’ll accept a heating pad as a temporary peace offering for all of your wrongdoings, but only begrudgingly.
12. Don’t ask us to have sex with you, even if period sex is your favorite because it’s nice and wet or whatever.
13. If you’re lucky and we express the desire for sex, don’t waste time looking surprised. Seize the moment before you do something terribly wrong (again) and it passes right by—because you’re an idiot, obviously.
14. If we tell you that it’s your duty to get a vasectomy one day, nod and smile and tell us that it would be your absolute pleasure.
15. If you choose to record the dates of our current period so you can be more sensitive to our needs the following month, don’t expect us to be moved.
16. We will never be impressed by your on-point predictions regarding the exact timing of our menstrual cycle.
17. Your accurate PMS radar won’t be interpreted as a sign of caring, either.
18. In fact, it will always seem unquestionably insensitive that you’d bother tracking our monthly cycle, even if you’ve set up a lame but endearing calendar reminder for “Aunt Flow’s upcoming visit” or something.