10 Couples On Their Most Awful Relationship Experience That Became An Awesome Memory

Flickr, Leo Hidalgo
Flickr, Leo Hidalgo

1. “We had a problem because my girlfriend crapped herself after sex.”

“For a while I dated a girl who had the unfortunate tendency to defecate involuntarily whenever she orgasmed. The first time we had sex, I was unaware of her special condition, so I was taken aback when she screamed ‘Get the hell out of here!’ But I listened. I huddled on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor until she called me back in, at which point she explained the situation.

You might think climax induced shitting would be a total mood-killer—that it would ruin the whole afterglow thing completely—but I’m not much of a post coital cuddler anyway, so I appreciated the excuse to jump out of bed and take a shower after sex. Plus, when someone has to confess something so intimate so soon, it brings you closer way faster than usual. We dated for two years, and I still remember the sex pooper fondly, which is either a testament to my tolerance for weirdness, or my love of the scatological. Unsure, but I ain’t mad at the memory.”

— Tad, 34

beetlejuice

2. “We had an STD scare way too early into our relationship.”

“A month into dating, I decided to go down on my boyfriend. I figured I’d lock him down with my best blow job mojo, you know? But right when I was about to engulf his dick in my mouth, I noticed this lump protruding from the side. We didn’t know each other that well yet, but I wasn’t about to risk getting an STD, so I pulled back. As calmly as possible, I told him he might want to check himself out in the bathroom.

Five minutes later, he popped back out and suggested watching a movie. He was trying to play it cool, but I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was scrolling through images of diseased dicks on his phone the whole time. Turns out he had a harmless, non-contagious little bump (believe me, I demanded to see the test results!), which was a huge relief—and the impetus for his pet name, which I use to this day: Bumpy.”

— Lydia, 23

beetlejuice

3. “We got into a serious, physical fight with a crackhead over a $5 purse.”

“I used to sell vintage clothes on the street with my girlfriend. Sounds weird, and it sort of was, but it was Seattle and weird things pass as normal there. We didn’t have real jobs because it was in our minds that we’d make money together somehow, no matter what. But the money selling clothes was not good (on a solid day we would clear MAYBE $70 between the two of us), so every little thing we sold was super important.

One day, as we were packing up at the end of a sale, a woman who was very obviously on crack approached our stall. (Seattle has TONS of crackheads, so I know a crackhead when I see one). Turns out the crackhead had spotted a purse we were selling and decided that I’d stolen it from her and that I needed to give it back immediately. We were selling the purse for $5, and I was not about to give the thing up. As a result, I found myself in a literal tug of war with this woman over a crappy purse I was trying to hawk for a five dollar bill.

It wasn’t funny or humorous at the time, at all. It was ugly and somewhat adrenaline-fueled. Eventually, the woman’s ‘handler’—a guy who was probably also on crack—convinced the woman that she was wrong, and she let go, swearing at me. I wanted to kill myself, and my girlfriend was desperate to get out of there. It was really disheartening; all this shit over a fucking dumb bag. Of course it is hilarious now, though. I’ll always remember the comic image of me and that woman fighting over a purse. How ridiculous.”

— Earl W., 32

beetlejuice

4. “My boyfriend actually spat in my face.”

“My boyfriend and I got into this raging fight about something totally ridiculous one morning. I think it started because I said I hated the way he made the bed or something. In any case, things got ugly fast, and when shit hits the fan my boyfriend loves to get the hell out of our apartment and take a walk to ‘clear his head’ or whatever. At the time, though, he had just slipped two discs in his back, and he good barely move around by himself. He stomped over to the closet for some shoes and socks, but I knew he couldn’t put them on by himself since he was incapable of bending over. So I marched right over and grabbed the socks to help him out, which just pissed him off. ‘I don’t want any help from you,’ he shouted. ‘You need my fucking help, whether or not you like it, asshole,’ I replied.

We were both desperately pulling at those fucking socks with all our might until my boyfriend decided to reduce himself even more with a hit way below the human decency belt. The man actually spat in my face! I was so stunned, I turned around and walked out without a word. He apologized profusely an hour later, by which time I’d done some angry Googling and learned that spitting in your significant other’s face amounts to domestic abuse from a legal standpoint. My boyfriend and I both take violence against women seriously, but I have to admit that I love reminding him that I’m technically a battered woman. It’s our sad, silly inside joke.”

— Greta, 26

beetlejuice

5. “We got stranded on a desert island because we wanted to have sex on the beach.”

“My boyfriend and I were vacationing in the Bahamas and we decided to take a jet ski out for a little one-on-one romantic cruise. We found a random strip of sand, parked, stripped, and skinny dipped. Then we had sex underneath this beautiful tree right on the beach.

When it was time to head back to the hotel, though, we realized that our jet ski was sitting way too far up the beach. The thing was stuck in the sand, and it quickly became clear that my boyfriend wasn’t strong enough to dislodge the thing. We had no phones, no food, and no water, so I panicked. I kept thinking about the movie Castaway, and how we’d have no Fedex packages to unwrap, so we’d be stranded without an ice skate to repurpose as a knife, or a Wilson Volleyball for a friend. I was also pissed because we were going to die there all because my boyfriend had to have sex on the beach.

It took both of us—one pulling while the other scooped sand from beneath the giant machine—to get the thing out over the course of fort-five minutes. By the time we got back, the whole hot sex scene had been overshadowed by the jet ski freakout. But now we love debating who would have eaten who first if we’d actually gotten stranded.”

— Carey, 28

beetlejuice

6. “We got food poisoning together one week into our love-at-first-sight romance.”

“My husband and I met at a bar in Brooklyn when we were both 20 and we fell hard for each other instantly. One week in, we were making all of these grand pronouncements about how obsessed we were with each other’s mind, body, and spirit in the way only people that young are capable of. Anyway, to us it seemed totally reasonable to drop everything and travel together for a while, so we used what little savings we had to buy one-way tickets to Thailand.

Within forty-eight hours of arriving in Thailand, we both had serious food poisoning. I’m talking multiple-trips-to-the-bathroom-within-the-hour sickness. If you want to strip the romance out of an impromptu trip across the world, start shitting and vomiting together in a tiny, grungy hostel. Luckily, as disturbing as the situation was, we managed to get through it without being too grossed out by each other. We packed our things and went home a short time later—a little bit wiser, and definitely lighter. The good thing is, now we get to tell our kids that mommy and daddy fell in love while pooping and puking together.”

— Emma, 30

beetlejuice

7. “We got lost for eight straight hours on New Year’s Eve in search of a party I didn’t even want to go to.”

“I was dating this party girl a few years ago, which is weird because I’ve never really cared about partying. When New Year’s Eve came around, I didn’t want to do anything except maybe sleep, but of course she kept nagging me about going to some party on the beach.

Anyway, she wore me down and I ended up agreeing to drive to the stupid party, which, mind you, was located three hours away from where we lived. We didn’t have GPS, and it wasn’t long before we were lost in the pitch dark—for eight straight hours. At 2am, we finally drove back home and proceeded to get completely wasted. Then we had awesome, agro sex for the rest of the night. We’re not together anymore, but it’s still one of my top three New Year Eves of all time.”

— Ralph, 25

beetlejuice

8. “We met because I cheated.”

“A couple of years ago, I cheated on my girlfriend. She was a year younger, so when I graduated from college and moved to New York, she stayed behind in California. We were definitely still technically together when this hot rocker chick approached me at a coffee shop and asked if I wanted ‘to fuck her, just once.’ How does a man turn that offer down?

The problem is that I felt way too guilty to enjoy the experience. I also felt way too guilty to stay in the relationship, so I broke things off with my girlfriend, without mentioning that I’d been unfaithful. For a few weeks it seemed like I’d ruined my life for a terrible lay. But then I met the woman of my dreams and we’ve been together ever since. So everything turned out okay, and now I know I’m not the type who can cheat without feeling ashamed, so I’m well positioned to turn down any future temptation. Win win, right?”

— Mason, 25

beetlejuice

9. “We were held up at knife point on our honeymoon.”

“My husband and I splurged on our honeymoon and booked a few nights at a ridiculously expensive resort on a Caribbean island. It was absolutely gorgeous, and the service was impeccable. On our last night, we were sipping cocktails on the balcony, waiting for the kitchen staffers to bring us dinner. I heard a clank and turned around, expecting to see my mahi-mahi and sautéed veggies being plated, but there was a masked man with a giant machete instead.

The man, who was clearly disturbed, started shouting demands in a language we didn’t understand. I started screaming for help, but we were in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully, it was only a few minutes before the resort employees finally showed up with our dinner, and the guy jumped off the balcony and ran. We then packed up our things and headed straight for the airport, thirteen hours early. It was a terrifying experience, but once enough time passes, anything you go through with someone you love becomes a good memory. It’s also nice to have a golden go-to story to share at cocktail parties.”

— Brenda, 30

beetlejuice

10. “We got locked out of our apartment at 5am the first night we moved in.”

“One night during a really bad snow storm, my boyfriend and I decided to go out to a cozy dinner and get plastered. We drank three bottles of wine and had a snowball fight on the way to a bar down the street, where we did several rounds of shots and played some really pathetic ping pong.

Around 5am, when we stumbled back to our apartment on the third floor of a walk-up building in downtown Manhattan, I could not for the life of me find the keys. Since we had just moved in, we hadn’t yet given a spare set to a friend, and it was the middle of the night, so no one was likely to answer their phone anyway. We were so embarrassed, but we had no option but to knock on our new neighbor’s door and ask to crash on his couch. The guy let us in, which was a miracle.

The next morning, we woke up around 10am with the most awful hangovers. My boyfriend called the superintendent and as they chatted, I casually reached into the pocket of my cardigan only to realize that I’d had the bloody keys on me the entire time! It’s been five years and we still haven’t told our neighbor the truth about what happened. Every time we bump into him, we laugh about our dirty little secret.”

— Hannah, 30 TC mark

thumbnail image – mrhayata

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