Sex is an integral part of humanity. And yet, few of us are comfortable discussing this aspect of our lives openly with our parents. Why? Maybe because dick sucking and pussy licking aren’t activities mom and dad want to envision their daughters and sons participating in, and we all know that the power of suggestion can trigger unwanted visuals. Or maybe Freud was right about the Oedipus complex, and we’re all aware on some level that widespread honest sexual discourse might unlock the Pandora’s box of lust we each harbor for our parents, thereby causing an incest epidemic. (Ew!)
There is of course no reason for anyone to be ashamed of their sexual habits, assuming they lie within the scope of consensual, nonviolent (unless permitted to be violent) behavior. Still, there is a case for preserving the memories people cherish of their pure, innocent children dancing as sugarplum ferries in the local production of the Nutcracker, or hitting that clincher of a home run in the championship little league game. Feeding the collective parental delusion that we adult children (including those with offspring of their own) do not engage in sexual behavior regularly might just be integral to humanity, too.
For the typical grownup not residing in the basement of their childhood home, nursing the misconception that sex doesn’t play a large role in their daily life is simple enough. Then comes the holiday season, when we’re all roped into several family functions within a short time. What’s an adult keen on shielding mom and dad supposed to do when their libido kicks in and the only thing they want—nay, need—is to stow away with their partner for a spirited, eggnog driven romp? Consider these five tips on how to have sex undetected when trapped at your parents’ house.
1. Wear easy access clothing
With just a modicum of additional forethought, you can arrive at your family gathering in a sex-essible outfit. (Thanks to the genius design of the zip fly—and the male penis, I suppose—this pointer is mainly for those with genitalia that can’t be whipped out in the heat of the moment.) Ladies, wear a skirt or a dress when you head home. I don’t care how cold it is. There are a lot of options when it comes to winter tights and leggings, and a quickie is much more easily facilitated when a gal can slide her bottoms down rather than shimmy around and risk falling flat on her face. Skinny jeans and tight fitting pants are an absolute no-no.
2. Choose an off-hour
When so many relatives are flitting about, poking there heads in every corner of the house, the chances of securing alone time with your partner are slim. If you want to go at it in a packed house, the best bet is to choose an off hour. Forget bedtime and early morning. Commit to poking in the middle of the night, when everyone else is fast asleep and blissfully unaware. Alternatively, plan to meet up in an unexpected location (laundry room, broom closet and garage all come to mind) at a time when neither of you is likely to be missed, such as cocktail hour or in the midst of an after dinner movie viewing session (you can Netflix that thriller later).
3. Pick a standard position
There are couples out there dedicated to mastering every position in the Kama Sutra, and that’s great. But your parents’ house isn’t an ideal environment for experimentation. The “magic bullet,” “reverse cowgirl,” and the “organ grinder” can all wait. Stick to the basics at mom and dad’s, because fundamentals are straightforward and easily executed. In the case that a lock does fail, it’s simpler to interrupt missionary style intercourse than it is to untangle a complicated pretzel type situation.
4. Stay as quiet as possible
Yes, auditory stimulation is wonderful. But it’s not necessary. And for obvious reasons, keeping mum is crucial to having sex on the sly. So find another method of expressing your pleasure when doing the deed aside from screaming “Yeah, baby, like that!” or “Fuck me harder, please!” For instance, you might dig your fingernails into your partner’s back, or clench (no spanking!) their ass flesh. For those who are typically vocal in bed, copulating quietly might just be a new, fun challenge.
5. Clean up after yourselves
To avoid detection, you have to keep things tidy. That means surveying a given location briefly prior to boinking so you can arrange mom’s couch cushions exactly as they were, or realign the washing machine just so. If you’re going to make nooky on a couch or a bed, laying a towel down is a good idea—but only if you can procure the protective cloth in advance and stash it somewhere afterwards without drawing undue attention. If there’s a condom in the equation, pocket the wrapper as soon as possible, lest little cousin Lucy happen upon it and incorporate it into her yuletide diorama. Oh, and wipe that orgasmic afterglow off your faces before re-engaging with the others.