If Vodka Could Give You Life Advice

Dear Vodka,

This bar is filled with gorgeous girls who aren’t me. How can I get myself to stand out and be noticed by the person I’ve got my eye on?

Plain Jane

Dear Jane,

You are most certainly not plain! Standing out is actually very simple. Start out by speaking louder than you normally would. Studies have proven that using an “outside voice” while indoors, or even mild hollering, will cause many people to look in your direction. It’s that irresistible; they literally can’t help but notice you! Also, I’m confident that you’ve seen enough of Beyonce’s music videos to recreate any of her dance routines. Why don’t you give that a shot? (Speaking of shot, that’s actually not a bad idea either. You could probably use some of those too.) Bonus points if the bar you’re at doesn’t even contain a dance floor.

XO,

Vodka


Dear Vodka,

Should I text that person I haven’t spoken to in months? It’s so ironic that I suddenly thought of them tonight, yet I can’t remember why I haven’t seen or spoken with them recently. Any thoughts?

Tempted Texter

Dear Tempted Texter,

Your sudden recollection of this person is most definitely fate. Seize this opportunity. Especially because it also could be fleeting. You have to act now, or you might forget them forever. Give them a no-fail “heyyyyy.” (Tip: The more “y”s you include, the more cool and level-headed you’ll seem.) Then, whether or not they reply, be sure to send them a second text describing how deeply you regret whatever it was that separated you from one another’s lives, and then gracefully move into your unabridged, uncensored opinion of them at this very moment. The faster you type, the better. You don’t want to forget any of the brilliance streaming through your mind. Don’t worry about typos, they know exactly what you mean.

XO,

Vodka


Dear Vodka,

This person whom I didn’t find attractive bought me a drink. Then another. And another. Now they’re suddenly looking like offspring of Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum, if that were possible. Which I don’t think it is. So this probably isn’t possible either, right?

Horny but Unsure

Dear Horny,

I’m going to drop the second part of your signature because you’re horny and that’s all that matters. Sometimes, the human eyeballs cannot actually process how attractive somebody is until they’ve been looking at them for at least twenty minutes. This typically occurs when somebody is SO GODDAMN good-looking, that the eyes need that long to comprehend it. You’re very lucky that this beautiful creature had the patience to wait for your sight to kick in, so I wouldn’t keep them that much longer if I were you. Besides, it’s common courtesy to sleep with someone who buys you drinks, just as it is to offer unsolicited fashion advice to strangers in the bathroom and to tip your bartender.

One last tip, in order to truly live in the moment, one can’t worry about insignificant things like last names or birth control methods.

XO,

Vodka TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

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